I was with someone for three years, whome I lived with, I moved for, I shared everything with, in an abusive relationship. I never in my life thought I would end up with, let alone stay with someone that long, who treated me so badly and was so undeserving of me. Even now i have left him, and people would say I’m a ‘survivor’ (if they knew-I dont speak about it) – I don’t feel like I am a survivor. Because of the pain I have felt, I now can’t feel anything. I have no aspirations, no dreams of how to spend my ‘new found’ freedom. I know the world is my oyster, but Its an oyster I don’t care for anymore. Like Kurt Cobain said ”Im not like them, but i can pretend”. Well I can smile for my friends, make them laugh, flirt with men, make them feel important, I can even hug my parents and tell them that I feel positive about the future, despite being 27 and living back at home with no job, and no money. My dream was to travel. That dream now makes me feel empty, as the things I once chased after in order to feel happy no longer appeal to me. It is as though something has gone missing. I want to blame the abuse, because I can’t think of any other reason. Sometimes I kiss men, just to see if I feel anything anymore. I don’t. I feel completly flat, and i hate it.