It took me a year of therapy to accept that my ex emotionally and s******* abused me; a year before I stopped jumping to their defense. A year before I stopped blaming myself for what happened.

Another two years on, my life has changed so much. I live in a vibrant, bustling new city, I’m surrounded by people who say they care about me, I’ve been referred to as a prodigy in my field, I am constantly and exceptionally lucky and every day I’m surrounded with positive influences. I am described by those I’ve met as a confident, free spirit who embraces the good in everyone. Those who knew me years ago tell me that I’ve finally come out of my shell. Never in my life have so many people flocked to me, wanted to listen to me, wanted to be closer to me. I have “friends” and “lovers” who would drop everything at a moment’s notice if I asked them to.

But the truth is, I am completely detached. I cannot remember what caring about someone feels like. I’ve distanced myself from anyone who has expressed a desire to develop a close emotional bond with me. Just the concept literally nauseates me.

I don’t trust anybody.

I’ve never been more afraid of everyone around me.

And I’m so painfully lonely.