Haha! Jokes on you! Every time we have a deep, heartfelt conversation where we talk about all the s***** stuff that’s bothering us I just end up loving you more! Or at least getting more obsessed with you. I haven’t stopped thinking about you for a week! I hate myself for feeling like this. I wish I could just reach down my throat and rip out this disgusting ball of craving and idolization. It’s been getting bigger, like a tumor, since I moved away from you.
I think seeing you everyday helped keep my feelings in check. Now, I just have the memory of your voice, two photos and Facebook chats to go off of. I wonder if you know? I told you how I felt a few years ago. Maybe you like the ego boost that comes with knowing someone, even someone as gross as me, has the hots for you and looks up to you so much. I don’t think so. You’re not really that kind of person. It’s probably just the fact that you’ve seen me so emotionally raw so many times. And I swear, I’m really only like that with you.
You’ve helped me out so much. You make me feel so good about myself. I wish I could make you feel as good about yourself as you make me feel. It kind of comes with the nature of our relationship that I can’t though. And even though it would be super, extra, wildly inappropriate, I’d give just about anything to cuddle with you and hold your hand for a few hours. It’d just be great to act out all of the emotions I feel for you in a physical way that aren’t really brief hugs and handshakes.
Haha! Wow, I am just all sorts of physiologically messed up! I don’t even know why! It’s not like my parents didn’t support me or that I was bullied that much in school. I guess I just have an ingrained inferiority complex that craves approval and recognition and you’re my strongest source for it. The way that you believe in me, and tell me how good you think I am, it’s like a drug to me. That’s why I hate how I feel about you, because it’s not love, it’s just a vacuous black hole and I know that when I talk to you it can get filled in a little bit. Talking to you helps me function, which, hoo boy, that is noooooot good. I seriously feel like a crazy person. I don’t have the money to see a therapist though, so in the meantime it’s just talking about you on anonymous confession boards and hoping that these feelings will go away again with time.