You know, I’m definitely not the kind of person that you would think is depressed. Straight A’s, student leader in a marching band, received several music honors, already accepted to my dream college and only just started my senior year, and a lot of great friends. But the reality is that I’m very messed up. I can’t go a day without craving self harm. My friends and family have no clue about it. Sometimes I feel like that is my only way to make it through the day. I need help, I know I do. I don’t want to eat. I’m tired all the time. I have trouble sleeping. I can’t keep weight on. I’ve had to be put on muscle relaxers because I have massively fucked up my jaw from clenching it at night. I have headaches all the time as well.
I think it’s just my surroundings. My parents fight a lot and it is my fault sometimes. There is a boy at school who did everything he could to completely destroy me, and he stripped away a lot of what I was. The girl he’s dating used to be my friend but now she hates me because of things he’s told her about me. I know it means she wasn’t a real friend, but it still hurts. Being a leader stresses me out because anytime you’re a leader, people don’t like you. No matter what your intentions are, some people just really hate you. I just want to relax. Last spring, I got a lot better. I stopped hurting myself and I was actually happy. Now, I’m right back at it. I know that I should be able to get through it again because I already did it once, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard as hell. It’s hard to keep a secret like this from your family and friends. It takes a lot of effort. It s**** to be afraid to ask for help because of fear of disgracing your family (father is a preacher….mental health problems with a child aren’t exactly something that would be good for him.)
I’m almost done with high school and then I’m moving a few hours away. If I’m not better in 1 year, I’m getting treatment.