0ne year have passed since aborted my first born. my baby boy, my little angel. i want him. i loved him. i want to raise him but im too afraid. i feared about everything. i feared that im not good enough to be a mother. im a fool. i hated my self for doing such a cruel thing. he is my baby. i love him.
everytime i think about how i have done it to him, i feel miserable. i know it is my fault. i know that i never should have done it. never. but i did. im holding him in my palm, cradling, saying sorry. but im too late, he is all gone. i missed him in my tummy, i miss everuthing about my baby.
after my operation, i dreamed about heaven, i dont know if it is heaven but im with someone i didnt see his/her face, letting me hold a baby, and i touch, cradle and kiss that baby, then he/she told me to go, i found a line of people going down on a stair.
i prayed to God that he welcome my baby to heaven, and by that dream i know he did.
i know i cant be in heaven, i have sinned. but i truly regret it.
i miss my son so much. and its breaking heart. most of the night i cried and say sorry. i cant forgive myself and i wont.
i miss you son and i truly love you.. im sorry.. im really sorry..