My SO was the first person I dated after my husband left me. We fell in love fast. We now have a child together. He is so different than who he was when

12 years

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My SO was the first person I dated after my husband left me. We fell in love fast. We now have a child together. He is so different than who he was when we got together. An amazing father, a devoted man to his family.
In the beginning, he cheated on me. He gave me two stds, one of which is permanent. That was years ago. He has worked so hard to make it right, to his credit. Even if the opportunity presented itself and I could somehow go through with it, I could never cheat because of what he did to my body through these stds; I could never do that to someone else.I always feel disgusting. I love him and our kids so much, but I f****** hate what he did to my psyche. He broke something in me. I guess I want revenge, or something, although I could never go through with it. I am trapped in a box of self loathing and broken mirrors.
I used to be beautiful and feel good about myself. Objectively, I’m curvy and desirable, based on the level of male attention I regularly receive, but none of that makes any difference when it comes to my self esteem. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. I have never said any of this outloud to anyone.
His p**** is also gross due to the stds. I could never say this to anyone.
I have never had the desire, nor ever cheated on anyone in my life.
F*** my life. I just want to have s** with someone I don’t secretly hate on some level. His betrayal killed a lot of me, unfortunately not my libido, so I have to disassociate to ignore the filth and continue. I feel trapped and tainted.

New Confession

I must be open with you all, we’re here for a reason. Somehow, someway we all have a fetish that we must feed by coming here. For me it’s the obvious compulsion of desire of going through the punishment of being put in front of adolescent children and have them witness me going through the fear of being debased, insulted, made fun of so they can make the children find humor in seeing me experiencing going through the fear of being shamed then gradually graduating the feeling to total humiliation by being stood up against a wall and forced to n***** myself towards a solid hardness of such humiliation through force of self masterbation through e********** and through it being forced to admit my guilt of being afraid admit my cowardness as I c** to release the completion of my total humiliation through embarrassment by being recorded so I can witness the disappointment in the innocent eyes staring witnessing what’s being done to me and my lack of self defense as a grown man. My punishment for just thinking of looking at a child the wrong way before doing anything I should really be sorry for. What’s your fetish, why are you feeling guilty? Why should you be punished, for what and how?

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf