Everyone thinks it, right? That moment when you wonder ", what if I just kissed him(or her if that's your preference), right now?" I've tried to talk

12 years

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Everyone thinks it, right? That moment when you wonder “, what if I just kissed him(or her if that’s your preference), right now?” I’ve tried to talk myself into following through with it but I just turn into a coward. I just want to stop him before he leaves school at the end of the day. I just want to turn around and hug him. Saying “, sorry.” Because he’s so shy and we’ve never hugged before. And he’d probably ask “for what?” and I’d reply “, for this…” and I’d pulled down the hood of his sweat shirt so I could see right into his eyes and kiss him. I’ve never talked myself into it. But I want to. A lot.

New Confession

I must be open with you all, we’re here for a reason. Somehow, someway we all have a fetish that we must feed by coming here. For me it’s the obvious compulsion of desire of going through the punishment of being put in front of adolescent children and have them witness me going through the fear of being debased, insulted, made fun of so they can make the children find humor in seeing me experiencing going through the fear of being shamed then gradually graduating the feeling to total humiliation by being stood up against a wall and forced to n***** myself towards a solid hardness of such humiliation through force of self masterbation through e********** and through it being forced to admit my guilt of being afraid admit my cowardness as I c** to release the completion of my total humiliation through embarrassment by being recorded so I can witness the disappointment in the innocent eyes staring witnessing what’s being done to me and my lack of self defense as a grown man. My punishment for just thinking of looking at a child the wrong way before doing anything I should really be sorry for. What’s your fetish, why are you feeling guilty? Why should you be punished, for what and how?

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I’m tempted to give up on her and I I feel like I’ve been trying so long and litteeally I put in the effort. She doesn’t even try to communicate back. I don’t think she even knows I tried to reach her. The messages are unread. I’m blocked on fb. I’ve spent a year even trying to reach her on different social media on off. Tried to rebuild start from scratch. Impress her compliment her and say how I truly feel. All those months I spent on my knees praying for her for and for us that was 2 f****** years ago. Then you tease me with a vision of us and tell me well have kids and make me earn them by doing good deeds just basically keep doing it till something happens then you tease me with how she looked pregnant and no one told me s*** for months I’m left alone wondering if anything even happened with a woman I love who won’t speak to me let alone even add me on social media who was probably carrying my kid that was my gift of my love to her. Then more months go by I know nothing no one tells me anything. I spent months begging the real jesus for clarity tell me what is going on felt like their souls exist and don’t understand where I’m under this god that can’t possibly be jesus while trying to find jesus for 2 1/2 godamn years of working my a** off obsessing over what in the name of God I could possibly be doing wrong. Months and months of devotion and bible studies and all those prayers and trying to learn and fun. Months I was tormented for I think almost a year and I still get tormented. Everything I have been through in faith is so unfair. Then I saw recently she didn’t even look pregnant. This god is such a jerk. I blame the real jesus every day for not helping me or my life not h3lping me understand what is going on leaving me on my own to try to figure everything out for a year or more. All the he’ll and torment I have gone through all the horrible things I have gone through in the last 2 years. My life genuinely feels so bad that this year I finally looked for a diff god yet still believing In Jesus bc it just that gofamn awful it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ll curse you every day jesus for not helping me all those times I seemed the real jesus not this thunder thing or satan. This is bs. You have nonidea how many times u even asked for deliverance from things
You have no idea how many times I have tried to confess sins or talked to a priest. How much effort I have put into it Christianity and faith and these weird spiritual things I have gone through. I’ve spent 2 1 /2 years still trying ti understand visions even. And all this other stuff that I don’t understand (other spiritual things all kinds of stuff even dreams that were spiritual) and yeah I prayed about it yeah I talked to priest about it. Your Bible is useless on so many issues. Jesus is a damn moron and a jerk and clearly is f****** deaf