I have severe depression and no one knows, not even my family. People have described me as happy and full of laughter when that’s really as far from the truth as you can get. I get panic attacks and tear up easily but manage to hide it until I’m alone. Some days are better than others of course but overall it was torture. For years I was bullied at school and was without a single friend. My parents yell at me about grades and I was often hit. I’d say about half an hour each night was me crying my eyes out and shaking all over. At my worst point two years ago I was pulling out hair and sometimes biting myself until I’d bleed. My parents assumed the hair loss was due to medication for my skin and the cuts were me just being clumsy. Everywhere I went I’d notice all the ways I could kill myself whether it was jumping off of the bridge or running in front of a car. I don’t really know what kept me from taking one of the opportunities, I definitely felt desperate at that point. I got in an abusive relationship just because I was so happy to have someone that was willing to be with me. It lasted a few months before I snapped and stabbed him with a pencil one day. I took a dive after that but slowly got better or at least back to how I felt before the relationship. Four months ago I moved to a new country. I got away from all the people that were hurting me. I made friends, had fun, and started to enjoy life. This is the happiest I’ve ever felt. I still feel like I’m in a balancing act but now at least I look forward to waking up each morning. People make me smile instead of clench up in pain. I even have a crush on a guy, something I’ve never had. Today I learned that I might have to return to my home. I can’t stop shaking and am crying uncontrollably. I’m sick enough that I’m throwing up and can’t see clearly. I don’t know what will happen if I’m told I do indeed have to go back, I just know there’s no way in hell I’m returning.