I’m a virgin of 18. Had a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I consider myself deeply trans, and am preparing for horomone replacement therapy.

And yet, I cannot stop thinking of the people I will disappoint in doing so. How, if I go through with this, I may never speak to my father again. How the fact that transition is even an option is the only thing that has staved off thoughts of the suicidal nature. And yet, how much I must throw away to continue living. My family, my history, even part of my core being.

Will it then, truly be ME being alive? Yet then, was I ever REALLY alive? I mean sure, I have a brain and organs that function and all that, but I’ve always been so emotionally dead, hanging my own existence by a thread.

I dunno. I suppose this is what I must do; not for anything else but my own continued existence. But, if given the option, I think I would gladly make it so that I never existed at all. Is that wrong?

Is me transitioning against the wishes of my family wrong? Is it wrong for me to abandon my past, my privilege? I don’t know. All I do know is that if I don’t go through with it, it will only get worse with each passing minute.

G*******, I am pathetic, aren’t I?