I feel so dead on the inside. And no, I’m not some emo teen. I’m a 30-something man, married with children.
I love my children. I really do. But my God they have sucked the life right out of me. From the time the little one wakes (about 5am), until the older goes to sleep (about 9pm), I am at their service. Everything I do is for them. There is no “me” anymore. I exist only as a parent, not an individual anymore.
It started 8 years ago with the birth of my first one. I used to workout two hours every day. That was the first thing to go. I’ve put on 80 pounds since then, and I can’t do anything about it. I don’t have time to go to the bathroom alone, much less workout. Even as I type this, I’m waiting for my middle child to finish getting ready for bed so I can tuck him in.
It was his birth four years ago that pretty much did in my relationship with my wife. There is no romance anymore. And, honestly, I’m not sure if I want any anymore. We are co-parents and roommates. Not lovers. We have evidence that we were once lovers – three children and lots of pictures. But now? The one hour I get every night without the children – I’d rather spend that time alone than with my wife. I think she feels the same way. It’s not anger. We still love each other. But the love has changed. We both just want “alone” time as much as possible.
My wife’s company Christmas party is coming up soon. Every year it’s the same – chatting with her coworkers about their amazing, child-free lives. They go out and actually do things, as a couple. Fun, grown-up things. What do I have to talk about? I can’t think of anything that is not in some way related to my children.