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This is my painful secret. Even now, I still love the man who used to be a Shaolin warrior monk very, very much. I love him so much. He has no clue about the extent of my feelings. I only write about this here, even though I also share it on other social media, but I keep my real name hidden and donโ€™t mention the monkโ€™s name to protect his reputation.

He is already a celebrity and models for a magazine too. I know many women express their feelings for him, and I donโ€™t want to be one of those women. There are so many of them. So many women love him. He looks so handsome in photoshoots.

As for me, I know heโ€™s attractive, whether he wears makeup or not. I accept his looks as he ages and gets wrinkles. I have seen his true face, completely unfiltered.

I really love him. He just doesnโ€™t see it, and I donโ€™t want him to know because if he did, he might think of me as just a ‘fan.’ Heโ€™s used to women confessing their feelings, so I feel like I have to hide my love for him.

Maybe itโ€™s just luck for the woman who is his friend and has feelings for him. Thatโ€™s the woman I let him have. I didnโ€™t compete with her because I knew I would lose. I knew she was prettier and richer than me, and she really supports him.

I donโ€™t know if Iโ€™m just being malicious, but the feeling is different. I feel like I might lose him. I think they could become a couple, or maybe they already are, or maybe Iโ€™m just imagining things, which is why so many thoughts are racing through my mind.

Is this really what it feels like to love someone? I feel so sensitive and different when another woman likes him?

I tried to concentrate on what matters, but honestly, I ended up procrastinating again. Iโ€™ll check the account of the guy I adore once more, and then Iโ€™ll also look at the account of the woman I think is close to him.

What I notice is that they share similar interests and hobbies.

I express my feelings here more than anywhere else because it feels easy. I just type, and itโ€™s okay, especially when I canโ€™t hold it in any longer.

I truly love him, but I also listen to my mind. My mind tells me, “We’re not meant to be, no. You donโ€™t really know him.” My heart urges, “Find a way to get closer to him and understand him completely. Get close and be part of his world.” I know him, but I canโ€™t fully enter his life unless I become like the woman who is near him.

I love him. All I can do is endure and keep enduring.

What I write here has turned into my diary.

I let my feelings out here because I would go crazy if I couldnโ€™t express them.

I love him so much. So very much. Really, so much.