This is my painful secret. Even now, I still love the man who used to be a Shaolin warrior monk very, very much. I love him so much. He has no clue about the extent of my feelings. I only write about this here, even though I also share it on other social media, but I keep my real name hidden and don’t mention the monk’s name to protect his reputation.

He is already a celebrity and models for a magazine too. I know many women express their feelings for him, and I don’t want to be one of those women. There are so many of them. So many women love him. He looks so handsome in photoshoots.

As for me, I know he’s attractive, whether he wears makeup or not. I accept his looks as he ages and gets wrinkles. I have seen his true face, completely unfiltered.

I really love him. He just doesn’t see it, and I don’t want him to know because if he did, he might think of me as just a ‘fan.’ He’s used to women confessing their feelings, so I feel like I have to hide my love for him.

Maybe it’s just luck for the woman who is his friend and has feelings for him. That’s the woman I let him have. I didn’t compete with her because I knew I would lose. I knew she was prettier and richer than me, and she really supports him.

I don’t know if I’m just being malicious, but the feeling is different. I feel like I might lose him. I think they could become a couple, or maybe they already are, or maybe I’m just imagining things, which is why so many thoughts are racing through my mind.

Is this really what it feels like to love someone? I feel so sensitive and different when another woman likes him?

I tried to concentrate on what matters, but honestly, I ended up procrastinating again. I’ll check the account of the guy I adore once more, and then I’ll also look at the account of the woman I think is close to him.

What I notice is that they share similar interests and hobbies.

I express my feelings here more than anywhere else because it feels easy. I just type, and it’s okay, especially when I can’t hold it in any longer.

I truly love him, but I also listen to my mind. My mind tells me, “We’re not meant to be, no. You don’t really know him.” My heart urges, “Find a way to get closer to him and understand him completely. Get close and be part of his world.” I know him, but I can’t fully enter his life unless I become like the woman who is near him.

I love him. All I can do is endure and keep enduring.

What I write here has turned into my diary.

I let my feelings out here because I would go crazy if I couldn’t express them.

I love him so much. So very much. Really, so much.