talking to me as if i am your psychiatrist on a topic that INVOLVES ME. the audacity to talk to me as if im not there but a vessel for emotional dump is crazy. if you wanna say something say it to my face, dont abuse my emotional availability as a freeway to put me in a s*** place.

My male cousin had molested me (also male) many years ago, over multiple years, i had blocked it out. S**** big time to recover it live in a therapy session and the memories reawakening. I am doing this for myself to try to get it out of my head and hopefully to trigger any other memories lurking. t would happen when my aunt (mother’s sister) and he would visit. We lived in a shared house so he shared my room when they would come every summer. He was definitely grooming me on a slow burn. Would convince me to go to the bathroom when he did when our mothers were busy elsewhere. He was 15 i was eight. He would tell me to let my pants drop to the floor like he did. Of course i was curious and looked but he of course made the effort to display himself. He asked me why i kept looking at it and it was simply because it was so much bigger than mine (no s*** he had hit puberty and i had not). One night we were in bed and he woke me and had me turn my back to him and spooned me. I did not realize immediately he was n u d e. He held me tightlly with his arm around me and was moving his hand up and down me. He eventually took my hand and pulled it behind me and put my hand on his erection. I did not know at first that that was what was in my hand and i froze. He told me to just hold my hand still and he moved his hips holding me tighter and tighter and he was groaning th en he stoppee. But i was too ignorant and naive and stayed still. He held me tight against him and told me to keeo holding it and i eventually realized i was holding his p e n i s. It simply felt so large and hot and hard that i did not know what it was until it was soft again. I had only ever seen my own or his in the bathroom. I took my hand away but he pulled it back to him. I was so freaked out all i could do was tell him my arm was hurting. He moved to hos back and had me lay alongside him and put my hand back on his g e n i t a l s. I was working by feel in the dark under the covers but it felt like i remembered seeing it all those time he had me pee with him. I was actually fascinated He put his hand in mine and used my hand to fondle them. Eventually he started moving my hand all over his body and he said it felt so good. Eventually he took his hand off mine and asked me to please keep doing it and he would do the same for me promising how wonderful it would feel. Even i could tell it waa making him feel good and happy and i looked up to him and wanted to make him happy. He did eventually push my hand down to his reawakened erection and i froze again. He took my hand in his and started stroking himself with my hand. I was so shocked still why would he want this? He took his hand off and asked me to keep doing it. I did was i was so fascinated with what i was feeling without seeing and he would whisper to me what to do and how to touch his g e n i t a ls. In the dark unseen i was even more fascinated with how much larger his t e s t icles were than mine. He seemed to like that i was ezploring and touching not just holding it or stroking it. He said i must like touching it and asked if i wanted to see it. I was afraid of what we were doing but was insatiably curious. I told him yes and he told me to get my small kids flashloght from my dresser drawer. He told me to lay back down and held the covers up and turned on the flashlight under the covers spotlighting himself. I was shocked by what i saw and eventually was both touching and looking. I was even fascinated watching them love and crawl and out of natural curiousity i even touched the head and explored this new wonder to me. He eventually told me to hold it tight and watch and he was shaking and i saw him ejaculate. I was blown away. He eventually asked me to stop as i lay there watching it return to normal again. He reached to the floor grabbed his oajamas and wiped this white mystery from himself and laid back resting. He turned to me and hugged me and thanked me for making him feel so good and then he pushed me onto my back and laid alongside me and his hands started touching me under my pajamas and i was trembling with the overwhelming sensations and he even gently srroked my p e n i s with his thumb and a finger. I do not know if i had my first o***** or not it just all felt so good. Eventually he stopped and asked if i liked it and of course i did and he said we could do it every night but it had to be our little secret we would get in so much trouble. Of course i believed and trusted every word. The rest of that summer that was every night once we were sure everyone was asleep. It took no time at all for him to convince me to sleep bare with him. He would pet me to make me feel good but it wss mostly and me making him feel good. I asked him once why my p e n i s did not squirt like his did and he said because it was so small. By the emd of the summer he would spoon me and rub himself between my legs and eventially had me lay on my stomach and rubbed himself between my cheeks. As summer ended his manipulation wws strong. Dont forfet never tell anyone. I was getting upset when their time to leave was coming and he promised me we would be able to do it all again soon. And that i should not try to do any of this with friends. After they left i would lay in my bed bare amd try to touch my body wanting to feel good agaain but i was addicted and burned out and it was not the same. It was so ahrd to sleep or feel happy. When they came for the holidays i was so excited and that first night we were n a k e d and touching and back at it. He asked me as i touched him if i had been touching myself and i told him it didnt feel as wonderful so i stopped. He said he knew something that one of his his friends back home taught him and told me to trust him after that first time i made him squirt. He stroked my entire body and had me out of my mind then he laid his head on my stomach and i cried out so loud he put his hand over my mouth but kept gently suckling on my undeveloped p e n i s and i had what i know was my first climax even though it was dry because my body was still undeveloped. The pleasure was so great i barely registered that his mouth was on this dirty part of me. He kept using his mouth to drive me crazy even able to take the entirety of my g e n i t als in his mouth. I realized with the therapists help that all he was doing was training me to return the act. Sure enough he used the excuse of how good it felt and didnt i want him to feel that good? And all through the holiday visit my head lay on his stomach every night, often more than once, nursing on the tip of his p e n i s, taking them into my mouth, licking, whatever he wanted. My mind was so fucked that i never really lrocessed his ejaculations. It was just part of it. Then they were gone again until school spring break and we were back to it as if it had never stopped. I was enjoying his hands in mg body so much that it never dawned on me that he never put his mouth on me again. By the time they left he was laying on my back again rubbing between my cheeks with his hand under me fondling me. Then more weeks of “loneliness” as i longed for summer. I was so happy when thry came back for the summer. He would have me laying on my stomach grinding and he would always say how beautiful and small i was and talking about how he wanted to f u ck me and i didnt even know the word. I finally asked him what that meant and he said he would show me if i really wanted to know. He warned me it would not be easy but if i really wanted to learn he would teach me. He trained me to be lubricated and with his giners over multiple nights and when he decided i would be ready i found myself spooned and my leg lifted as he entered me. It was so much to endure and he distracted me by reaching around and playing with my p e n i s. I was in shell shock still when he finished and after i asked him if we could not do that but he ignored me and told me it would be easier next time. He seemed angry that i had wet my bed underneath me as he was doing it. He bullied me a little for the only time and made me swear i had a bad dream as the reason my bed had to be changed. He was right it did get easier but now i was afraid and eventually tried to convince him to just let me use my mouth but many nights he gently but insistently took what he wanted. He never truly raped me he was always gentle but insistent. I accepted it because he hsd convinced me that this was just what family did for each other. Some nights he made me be on top of him and i could barely even move or handle it but he would manipulate my undeveloped g e n i tals to distract me from what was going on. And god help me some nights even if he was asleep without using me he would wake up to me having his p e n i s in my mouth. I dont know if it was because this was what family did or whether in my mind if i did that he woulsld not do what i now knew was f u c king me.

It ended that summers end. A handful of times after that summerbwhile i was still pre puberty he would find a window of time to insist that i kneel for him.

Thank you for staying with me. I hope more than anything that i can eventually forget the early days of this when all i could think about was his hands on my body or what it felt like when he called me so beautiful or even tho it disgusts me, what it felt like to be lusted after.