a lie - Page 42 of 73 - Simply Confess

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Fair warning. This is fucked up but there is legitimate light ij the end. But it is a very disturbing bumpy ride. Utterly sick beforeas happy an ending as can be hoped for.

My mother always made me feel so dirty and diagusting for committing the sin in her eyes of being born a male. When i learned to play with myself i would frequently out of hurt and anger put my s**** in her shampoo and conditioner and lotion. Since to her a p**** was the most revolting thing possible i eventually turned that teen hurt and anger into rage that had me even low dosing her food or drinks with s**** or urine. Once when she was already so drunk she cpuld not walk to the kitchen so she told me to bring her more wine and since i had trained myself to pee or m********* quickly on demand i even poured her a glass of wine (chardonnay) and managed to quickly plunge the head of my c*** into the wine and watch as the globs of my c** spurted and comgealed in the wine. So damn drunk she never saw it and didnt realize when she titlted the glass and downed it as i sat there and watched the globs slide down the side of her glass and straight into her mouth. She never even flinched. At that point my perverted desire to degrade her got even worse. One afternoon i used a raw baking hen carcass for dinner rom the fridge as a s** object and dumped my sperm into the cavity. Karma got me because i damn near shredded the head of my p**** on the ribs. When she made me make her eggs i would put my c** in them and she just assumed it was the white stringers from the egg. I eventually got so out of control angry that when she was dead asleep drunk or passed out i would go into her room. I started masturbatimg into her bra and p**** drawers in her dresser while she snored like Otis the Drunk. Masturbated on her pillows while she was gone. Of course sometimes she realized and i would get the hairbrush or belt. I no longer cared i would be fighting the tears as she beat my bare a** and i planned my next perverted revenge. It was a sick sad cycle that was self propagating I realized that it was a product of her prediction of what i would become but i didnt care. I knew all thst and still only made it worse on myself. It got so blatant. When i got home from school while she was at work i would m********* into her bras and p****** and leave them on her bed to find. We were in a years lomg cycle of mutual assured destruction and hate or at least contempt. The f’d up high point of the war was since her alcoholism had gotten so bad that it was how she got to sleep. Iif she passed out in the living room i would carry her to put her in bed and undress her to skeep naked, so she knewni had done it when she woke up naked in bed knowing she had not gotten herself there and didnt sleep naked. She never mentioned those nights though, much less put me head down a** up for a hairbrush or belt. For someone who found the male body repulsive she sure made sure i was naked and humiliated at hairbrush and belt time. What she did do, however, is start taking smaller alleged offenses to a higher level. Simply forgetting to do the dishes or take out the trash? Out they came. Crying and cursing her with my face buried in the carpet or bedsheet while she lit my bare cheeks up. This was old school, no neighbors called CPS when they heard the screaming, not evem the time she was so pissed because i did not mow the lawn when she expected so that bare assed spanking was in the back yard in daylight (there were thick tall privacy hedges though). If she actually did stagger drunk to bed i would wait until she was dead asleep and undress her just to mess with her head. A couple of times i even pulled her p****** off m********* into them and pull them back on her to make her think she wet herself passed out. Sometimes simply slipping the covers down to piss directly on her p****** while she was still in them. The lowest of low points…maybe anyway….i was trapped in rage and hurt and hate but she was also the only one i had. All each other had. It was not always like this but when you degrade a child so completely and brainwash them to see themselves as a contemptible piece of ahit because of what gendee they are….i am not sure what other oucome any same person would expect. Eventually alhough very rare, if i took her to bed and undressed her…yeo, masturbated over her, breasts or belly finishes. Obviously she would find it when she woke, and since she never dated or had men over, prettty obvious what had happened. The first time i was ready to puke over what i had done. Deathly afraid of when she woke up. Even accepted that i was facing the inevitable when she woke and realized and was utterly furious about such a direct disgusting violation. So i was waiting on my bed with bare a** up toward the door when i heard her calling me. Each approaching footstep of doom like thunder. Hearing her gasp whem she walked in and there i was presenting the target. Belt and hairbrush beside me ready for use. And an alien softness in her voice….what have you done? Me? Please mom just get it over with we both know what i did. Silence, and she approaches. Are you sure this is what you want? I was choking back the sobs. Please mom.

It just didnt seem as brutal as before or should have beem. Belt only, which she knew to me was the gentlest of the two options. Longer than usual for sure. More time to catch my breath between strikes of the belt acoss my cheeks and backs of my thighs. Weirdest part? The cool wet towel laid on my skin after. The gentle pat of a hand on a cheek. A calm statement of thinking i had learned my lesson, punishment fitting the crime. Then as if nothing happened.

That was only until the next time she waa blitzed, then it was good ole raging mom. It was months before i repeated that degradation again. I didnt have the integrity to oresent myself for punishment this time. The fact that i had defiled her was too crippling. No, this time we were at the table finishing dinner and matter of factly she said thst we nesed to address what i had done again. Looking at me deadpan. You know what i expect, she said. I will be there in a moment. And i wemt to my room got into position with a chill in my bare skin. She approacheeld, i heard her pick up the hairbrush, and she said no, i think in my room since that is where this dirty litrle deed happens. And next thing you know i am screaming for mercy as she lights me up like never befforem. Panicked sobbing but she is merciless and silent. I was a wreck of guilt and shame as much as pain. Then my ankles get pulled apart and her nails are in my g******* yanking them in a direction they were not meant to be yanked and she locks her fingers in my hair yanks my head back and curses me the only time she ever did. If you ever j******* on me again i will cut these disgusting things off and break your f****** neck.

If you were hoping for an e***** ending, sorry to disappoint. This is not that kind of story.

THEN she left. Came back with the belt not a cool wet towel. Really lit me up. At some point even handles me to position my g******* were trapped between my clenched thighs and pretty sure many of those strikes were targeted. I end up on my stomach retching. Tried to crawl away. All that got me was body wide belt strikes. The best demon movie could have learned a thing or two about demonic fury and demonic foul language. And eventually it was over and she was gone. I eventually fell asleep sobbing in a naked puddle of pain and shame on thr floor. She told me the next morning she had called school to report me out for a week, death in the family. We didnt speak for longer than that. Silent dinners. Finally one evening without looking at me she simply said i neesed to realize she could forgive it once but to have done it twice was deliberate. That she had been right, those ugly parts of me were making me bad, a perversion. Any mother would have done what she did.

Eventually things got back to “normal”. But within a few weeks the drinking started again. I guess she was tired of sleeping passed out drunk on the sofa. Drunk as f*** she says to hug her goodnight. Syrupy sweet voice asks me to carry mommy to bed. I did. Left her in her clothes. Rinse repeat a few nights later i lay her in her bed and she says wont you help get mommy undressed for bed? I did and still left, shaking, sure i was being tested. But when i turn to leave? Make sure you dont come back in here when you j******* do it in your room. G******* that woman, exactly what i did. The next morning at breakfast, she tells me she saw what i did on my sheets and she warned me what would happen. Sick to my stomach i turn to go to my room and wait for it. She grabbed my arm, no, here, she said. Pats her hsnd on the table, tells me to drop pants. Then just to be a b**** tells me to get her the wooden spoon from the catch all on the stove. Loving mother that she was she gives me a folded clean dishrag and tells me to bite down on it. She decides to warm me up by hand before the spoon as i am bent over the dining room table with my pants around my ankles. Once i am sobbing she puts a hand on back of one of my knees and tells me to spread like before. I nearly puked knowing what was coming. She reaches between grabs and pulls back hard and tells to clamp my legs together. Made those deliberate strikes easier i guess. I was there sobbing in pain until my legs began to buckle. She stopped and sat there with a drink and a cigarette reminding me how everything she warned me about had come true. About how she was worried about me going away to school because she would not be there to protect me from myself, that girls would not love me like she did, would not put up with my filth. Did i forget to mention that i was 17 by now? But hey at least since i didnt j******* on her again she didnt cut everything off.

It was a moment of clarity. She was right. Those ugly things were destroying me, making me a bad son. A n abomination. Which is why a week later when she came home from work earlier than usual she was able to intervene when she walked into my room to find me sitting bottomless straddling the corner of the big wooden cutting board, my entire g******* stretched out gripped in one hand and pressing the biggest carving knife down hard enough to draw blood but too weak or afraid to do the deed, cut off those disgusting things that kept me from being good. She gasped and started to dash for me but saw me start to force the knife down and stopped. I was sobbing and all i could keep saying was i am so sorry mom. She walked toward me slowly…baby please you cant do this please put the knife down….something in her face stopped me, and she gently took the knife away and told me she’d be right back. And she was with alcohol and gauze and medical tape. No stitches required but the rare times the scar has been seen it never gets asked about. Did just enough damage it caused a permanent upward curve in the rare erections i ever have. It was a home healing job. She actually had me start sleeping in her bed (minds out of the gutter please). I went to college locally. Every so often as we talked as we fell asleep she would mention it, making me promise to never try that again, it is wrong to try to hurt myself, how would we ever explain it to the hospital?

Once i even asked her if she would do it for me, we could be clean and careful, what if we only cut them off not everything? She only said if we were going to do that, it made more sense to cut it all off but we couldnt afford the surgery bills.

After college i got a great job and lived with her until she was killed in a drunk driving crash ( of course it was her wtf did you think?). I slept at her side every night until the day she died. The most i can offer any of you lurid types hoping for a s** ending is that 2x a year, birthday and christmas, she would tell me as we drifted off…..please wait until i am asleep before you j******* on me. And never on my face. Yeah, birthday and christmas for real. Trust me, her saying that was a definite buzz kill. Most years anyway.

She gets killed, i go into grief therapy, it all eventually comes up, 4 therapists until i lucked into one that was not horrified and handed me off to another (pass the trash anyone?). I am impossibly sane and never became a 3 part episode on Criminal Minds. Things turn out after all. Alone s**** but not as bad as living with her. I only rarely have lingering self castration urges and hypnosis to avoid m*********** works pretty well on top of finding one understanding psychiatrist willing to prescribe anti androgens. I am not Norman Bates i dont want to be mommy or have t***, i simply dont want a libido.

Sorry if thisnwas a downer on your day. Watch out for yourselves people, the monsters are everywhere and usually far closer to you than you would like to think.

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I remember we were both 16 I believe or she was older. No, she was a senior in high school and I was a sophomore. I knew her because we talked most of his time but at the same time I remember months later, she walked me down the steps and broad daylight in our apartment and that’s the first time I got my s** experience for my girl and I remember she was bending down I saw her with no p****** and I remember she got down after she bend over I said please get up and I said what are you gonna show me and she got done she put on my pants and she said you’re hairy and I said I know I am I forgot to shave and s***. I got hard and she said you have a huge c*** and I said I know I do I said I did them with it not that much and she started sucking it and giving me a h******* and it was nice. I don’t know if I peed or I come I don’t remember, but that’s when her little brother caught us and I said oh s*** we’re in trouble dude and I said please get up and her mom was there too like damn we’re fucked and we went to go back to the apartment and I’m like damn pain of shame and I’m was about to slapper and the siblings and her brother was there and I said kids go to the kitchen or go upstairs please dude I don’t know man go to the kitchen or go upstairs please dude thank you and the mom said listen to me while I’m talking to you and I said ma’am, you don’t have to your daughter and she was about you and I defend her and I’m saying ma’am don’t hit your daughter please and she said oh and I said no we’re not in love or anything it would just have fresh experience that’s all but I never only texted her once I said do you hey do you remember the black cat in our apartment and that’s it and she texted back saying what do you mean and I said do you know the cat and and no, and we just talked after that, but we didn’t do anything. Nothing like that then she said call my mom and I said I don’t know where she live and she said yeah you do and I called my mom and my mom was about to hit me. She got mad and s*** and I said mom don’t hit me. Hey don’t hit me please what’s wrong with you? We’re teenagers for once and we got caught and this is public disobedience I understand we probably traumatized that child but what I’m saying is it so forget what happened today and never speak of it again

My male cousin had molested me (also male) many years ago, over multiple years, i had blocked it out. S**** big time to recover it live in a therapy session and the memories reawakening. I am doing this for myself to try to get it out of my head and hopefully to trigger any other memories lurking. t would happen when my aunt (mother’s sister) and he would visit. We lived in a shared house so he shared my room when they would come every summer. He was definitely grooming me on a slow burn. Would convince me to go to the bathroom when he did when our mothers were busy elsewhere. He was 15 i was eight. He would tell me to let my pants drop to the floor like he did. Of course i was curious and looked but he of course made the effort to display himself. He asked me why i kept looking at it and it was simply because it was so much bigger than mine (no s*** he had hit puberty and i had not). One night we were in bed and he woke me and had me turn my back to him and spooned me. I did not realize immediately he was n u d e. He held me tightlly with his arm around me and was moving his hand up and down me. He eventually took my hand and pulled it behind me and put my hand on his erection. I did not know at first that that was what was in my hand and i froze. He told me to just hold my hand still and he moved his hips holding me tighter and tighter and he was groaning th en he stoppee. But i was too ignorant and naive and stayed still. He held me tight against him and told me to keeo holding it and i eventually realized i was holding his p e n i s. It simply felt so large and hot and hard that i did not know what it was until it was soft again. I had only ever seen my own or his in the bathroom. I took my hand away but he pulled it back to him. I was so freaked out all i could do was tell him my arm was hurting. He moved to hos back and had me lay alongside him and put my hand back on his g e n i t a l s. I was working by feel in the dark under the covers but it felt like i remembered seeing it all those time he had me pee with him. I was actually fascinated He put his hand in mine and used my hand to fondle them. Eventually he started moving my hand all over his body and he said it felt so good. Eventually he took his hand off mine and asked me to please keep doing it and he would do the same for me promising how wonderful it would feel. Even i could tell it waa making him feel good and happy and i looked up to him and wanted to make him happy. He did eventually push my hand down to his reawakened erection and i froze again. He took my hand in his and started stroking himself with my hand. I was so shocked still why would he want this? He took his hand off and asked me to keep doing it. I did was i was so fascinated with what i was feeling without seeing and he would whisper to me what to do and how to touch his g e n i t a ls. In the dark unseen i was even more fascinated with how much larger his t e s t icles were than mine. He seemed to like that i was ezploring and touching not just holding it or stroking it. He said i must like touching it and asked if i wanted to see it. I was afraid of what we were doing but was insatiably curious. I told him yes and he told me to get my small kids flashloght from my dresser drawer. He told me to lay back down and held the covers up and turned on the flashlight under the covers spotlighting himself. I was shocked by what i saw and eventually was both touching and looking. I was even fascinated watching them love and crawl and out of natural curiousity i even touched the head and explored this new wonder to me. He eventually told me to hold it tight and watch and he was shaking and i saw him ejaculate. I was blown away. He eventually asked me to stop as i lay there watching it return to normal again. He reached to the floor grabbed his oajamas and wiped this white mystery from himself and laid back resting. He turned to me and hugged me and thanked me for making him feel so good and then he pushed me onto my back and laid alongside me and his hands started touching me under my pajamas and i was trembling with the overwhelming sensations and he even gently srroked my p e n i s with his thumb and a finger. I do not know if i had my first o***** or not it just all felt so good. Eventually he stopped and asked if i liked it and of course i did and he said we could do it every night but it had to be our little secret we would get in so much trouble. Of course i believed and trusted every word. The rest of that summer that was every night once we were sure everyone was asleep. It took no time at all for him to convince me to sleep bare with him. He would pet me to make me feel good but it wss mostly and me making him feel good. I asked him once why my p e n i s did not squirt like his did and he said because it was so small. By the emd of the summer he would spoon me and rub himself between my legs and eventially had me lay on my stomach and rubbed himself between my cheeks. As summer ended his manipulation wws strong. Dont forfet never tell anyone. I was getting upset when their time to leave was coming and he promised me we would be able to do it all again soon. And that i should not try to do any of this with friends. After they left i would lay in my bed bare amd try to touch my body wanting to feel good agaain but i was addicted and burned out and it was not the same. It was so ahrd to sleep or feel happy. When they came for the holidays i was so excited and that first night we were n a k e d and touching and back at it. He asked me as i touched him if i had been touching myself and i told him it didnt feel as wonderful so i stopped. He said he knew something that one of his his friends back home taught him and told me to trust him after that first time i made him squirt. He stroked my entire body and had me out of my mind then he laid his head on my stomach and i cried out so loud he put his hand over my mouth but kept gently suckling on my undeveloped p e n i s and i had what i know was my first climax even though it was dry because my body was still undeveloped. The pleasure was so great i barely registered that his mouth was on this dirty part of me. He kept using his mouth to drive me crazy even able to take the entirety of my g e n i t als in his mouth. I realized with the therapists help that all he was doing was training me to return the act. Sure enough he used the excuse of how good it felt and didnt i want him to feel that good? And all through the holiday visit my head lay on his stomach every night, often more than once, nursing on the tip of his p e n i s, taking them into my mouth, licking, whatever he wanted. My mind was so fucked that i never really lrocessed his ejaculations. It was just part of it. Then they were gone again until school spring break and we were back to it as if it had never stopped. I was enjoying his hands in mg body so much that it never dawned on me that he never put his mouth on me again. By the time they left he was laying on my back again rubbing between my cheeks with his hand under me fondling me. Then more weeks of “loneliness” as i longed for summer. I was so happy when thry came back for the summer. He would have me laying on my stomach grinding and he would always say how beautiful and small i was and talking about how he wanted to f u ck me and i didnt even know the word. I finally asked him what that meant and he said he would show me if i really wanted to know. He warned me it would not be easy but if i really wanted to learn he would teach me. He trained me to be lubricated and with his giners over multiple nights and when he decided i would be ready i found myself spooned and my leg lifted as he entered me. It was so much to endure and he distracted me by reaching around and playing with my p e n i s. I was in shell shock still when he finished and after i asked him if we could not do that but he ignored me and told me it would be easier next time. He seemed angry that i had wet my bed underneath me as he was doing it. He bullied me a little for the only time and made me swear i had a bad dream as the reason my bed had to be changed. He was right it did get easier but now i was afraid and eventually tried to convince him to just let me use my mouth but many nights he gently but insistently took what he wanted. He never truly raped me he was always gentle but insistent. I accepted it because he hsd convinced me that this was just what family did for each other. Some nights he made me be on top of him and i could barely even move or handle it but he would manipulate my undeveloped g e n i tals to distract me from what was going on. And god help me some nights even if he was asleep without using me he would wake up to me having his p e n i s in my mouth. I dont know if it was because this was what family did or whether in my mind if i did that he woulsld not do what i now knew was f u c king me.

It ended that summers end. A handful of times after that summerbwhile i was still pre puberty he would find a window of time to insist that i kneel for him.

Thank you for staying with me. I hope more than anything that i can eventually forget the early days of this when all i could think about was his hands on my body or what it felt like when he called me so beautiful or even tho it disgusts me, what it felt like to be lusted after.