Many parts to this with the guilt. My mother left (didnt like being a mother) when i was 3 and dad remarried when i was 5. Just kids being kids, the neighbor girl same age as me across the street, we got caught showing each other, just dumb naive curious kids. Her mother caught us and talked to my stepmom and we got told no big deal just dont do that any more. We got caught doing it again but this time she was holding and examining my piddly little boy e r e ction close up and we both got spanked and we were never left to play unsupervised again. Learned much later in life that neither her mother or my stepmom told our fathers. I was an aberrant kid, would randomly take my clothes off when playing in th e back yard for example (it was very private with high fences amd hedges). So i was a handful for my stepmom, no argument. I would get bare bottom spanked but was not otherwise treated harshly. My behavior was the problem. I get older puberty hits and i have new aberrant behaviors as i learn my body. Without a long story of that, the important part is that one day when i was 13 my stepmom sees out the window that i am naked on my back in back yard m a s turbating and i got the worst spanking ever head down a** up on my bed. I simply got smarter and sneakier. When i was just shy of 15 she sees me in the back yard on the bottom of a 69 with our dog (male same as i was). Obviously not what most parents or step parents expect or sign up for. But she still cared enough to not narc me to dad. I got my backside lit up almost as bad. But she was def worried about what i was doing and how it was escalating. New rules system. I had to tell her when i felt a s***** urge and she would monitor real time ma s tur bation no contact just supervising so that i did not get out of control . If dad was home, she sort of had a sense of when i was feeling that way and she literally gave me a subtle hand sign to use and i got a light spanking that dad would hear and know what was going on. If i gave her that hand sign she would tell dad she had caught me touching myself earlier in the day but always wanted him to know so that he could weigh in iif he was when she took me to my room to give me that lesser spanking she would spank me not too hard and pull my g e nitals back between my legs and m a s turbate me quickly and furiously while i was still assuming the position. Over time she sat me down and gave me the talk that she felt i was confusing spanking and that quick jerk from her as an enjoyable act out to get her to do it for me. She said she was actually proud of me when i asked her one evening once i was ready for the spanking if she would please only spank me and not touch me otherwise, she said that she felt like i was learning and maturing by finding a way that even if it was not really normal i was at least learning to not be a slave to my urges to pleasure myself. Eventually even the daytime dad not home asking if i could touch myself stopped being a problem, and when i would tell her i had the urge during the daytime it became me asking her to just spank me. So m a s turbation stopped for a long time even though most days with or without dad home the spankings were my outlet. Dad was just a dad of the times and left my stepmom in charge of me. But eventually i could not fight the urge and she caught me with the dog again (my room this time). I was 15. Newer rule system….she became my outlet for urges. Taught me that i enjoyed someone else,’s pleasure more than my own. Taught me how to have and enjoy s** without degrading myself. Taught me to be a man to a woman in her bed aa equals, not just to protect or save me from my youthful perverted acts. I will always remember the sheer shock to my system the first time she had me lay on her and what it felt like when she guided me inside her. How she smiled up at me when i felt the heat and warmth of being inside her, how she told me to be still and moved her hips under me and told me doesnt this beat doing those other dirty things? I matured as a human beimg very quickly in her bed. I rarely wanted to touch myself but now if i waa asking for se x with her it wasnup to her whether we did that or whether i just got spanked. I lived at home through college and she was the only woman i was with before marriage and i have always known it was because of her that i ever became enough of a man to be able to date love and marry. I have always been eternally grateful to her. Which is also why when dad died i was honored to go back to fulfilling her needs when she asked. And still do happily to this day. I was 15 when she first took me into her bed, she is 15 years older than me. Now i am in mynearlu 60s and she is in her late 70s.

The guilt parts? The girl across the street i was caught showing and being shown? She became trouble. Promiscuous drugs booze pregnant. Rough life. I asked my stepmom once if i was to blame even in part, i felt so bad for her. My stepmom said kids doing that is so common that that did not explain it. The other guilt? No idea if my dad ever knew his wife and i were lovers for years. Stepmom and i talked about it only once right after dad died. She only told me that he was grateful she had gotten me off the bad behavior roller coaster. Stepmom said he probably knew but didnt want to know and that it never was an issue to him or between them. My wife never was highly s***** and stepmom and i have discussed that she probably realizes but as long as my wife is not expected to be s***** with me, she may be relieved that someone else keeps her from having to engage s******* with me. That seems self serving for my stepmom to say but i suppose it may well be true.

The funny part? About a year or so after my stepmom took me to her bed to train me to not degrade myself doing what i was doing with the dog, she asked for the whole story of how that all came about. When i had told her how i got there she admitted she was turned on and had never gotten it out of her head because it was such an extreme outlier. I told her that i knew it was disgusting amd degrading myself even as i did it but that it did not stop the immersion into pure lust and carnal bliss of it. Very short version….the way she talked about it i could just tell. So one day i did not ask i just gave her an encore to watch and since it was not the initial shock, she was fascinated. Fascinated enough that eventually with my assistance she gave it a try herself more than once. She found it so purely carnal and taboo that she feared being addicted to it. I def understood that. As the dog was mounted and in her she was not quite speechless with the sheer shock of what she was doing but she did tell me afterwards that she now understood how the sheer raw lust and purely raw s***** feel of it made the shame and taboo and disgust go right out the window. She ended up still enjoying watching me do it though, and even asked if i would be willing to let her watch the dog mount me. Was not the only time she got to watch that but i helped her experience it a number of times. I kept my promise to her that i would never do those things without her presence and she admitted it was a blend of enjoying watching it as well as now that she understood how easy it was to lose herself in it she also wanted to not risk me slippiing even further down that slippery slope. But while over the years we explored each others curiosities most of our time together was simply enjoying our bodies together with mutual respect comfort and even a degree of love. We are more frequently enjoying ourselves with dad gone than we did after my marriage s** ended, we were not lovers for years after i married, only resuming when my wife terminated our physical realtionship verbally, not just by silent rejection or lack of interest. It was my stepmother that suggested we resume being lovers when she learned of my wife’s decision even though dad was still alive. I was not man enough to decline whether for my wife’s, father’s, ot stepmom’s sake. I suppose that is a failure and form of guilt as well.

My stepmom asked me about that once, and i told her to remember the purity of lust we both experienced during the activities with the dog, but that i also saw it as a true passion and deep affection of the same intensity and respect for each other. It has never come up again. We trauma bonded when dad died as only we could, and if the day comes she no longer wishes to be lovers i wjll respect it and try to find a sane way to learn to m********* comfortably again. For now i simply cherish when we get our time what it is like to slip into her arms and her body and feel alive with each other again. To have that shared comfort and peace and joy. We almost never speak until after, but we then talk about anytbing as only the most comfortable lifelong lovers can. Despite our ages and limited times together, my god, feeling her warm alive loving and moving with me is every time, as breathtaking snd joyous as that first time when i was 15 and she first wlecomed me as her lover. Every time i feel her arms and legs wrap around me and feel the heat of slipping gently into her, i am that same 15 year old being welcomed by her all over again. When she sighs in my ear breathlessly and tells me welcome back, that she is happy to have her man again, to hear her breath quicken and groan to tell me when to give it to her, release in her, give her what has always been hers. Perhaps it was not just about saving me from my degenerate behavior only. And every now and then, when she wants to take a trip down memory lane, she will ask if she can spank me, and i am head down a** up immediately. I never know when she will reach down and pull me back between my legs as my cheeks burn and she pulls it out of me as she continues to warm my bottom up as only she can.

there was a time I saw what looked like CSAM, so I looked away immediately. then I thought “was that really CSAM or did I misjudge it”, looked back, verified that it was pretty likely to be CSAM and then immediately looked away again, that time for good. then I reported it.

there was a time I got a popup ad advertising “teen p***”: fearing that it might’ve been CSAM, I closed it, but then had the same thought as above and reopened it so I could be sure before I report it, which I did. I don’t know if those actors were actually 18+ or not, though it seems likely they were.

there was a time that, on my Google image search results, there was a “teen p***” thumbnail. I looked away, but then added a word to the search and scrolled down the results again, knowing that the thumbnail might’ve been there. it was, and I saw it again. I don’t know if those actors were actually 18+ or not, though it seems likely they were. I reported that too, but I was panicking about something else at the time and allowed it to distract me from my moral duty, so it took me a day or two iirc.

have I done moral wrong? have I done harm? and is it redeemable?