I was a very promiscuous person from my late teens, into my late 30’s. I have had 2 long-term relationships, one of which I married. The first person I was extremely loyal to was until his mom passed away. I realized I did not want to be with this person for the rest of my life, and when his mom died, and I saw the aftermath, I knew she was telling me to get out. I had already mentally checked out and started talking to other men, including my now ex-husband. I ended up leaving him, immediately moving in with my ex-husband.

My ex got me into smoking weed; we both were terrible with money, consistently borrowing from family and payday loans. He also sweated profusely at night, he was always high, and very inexperienced s*******. We were good for the first year, and ended up getting engaged after that year, although I was s******* not happy and wanted an open relationship.

I thought us being together was a sign because when I met him at new hire orientation, 8 years prior to us being together, I was already dating my first ex-boyfriend. The fact that we reconnected after calling our help desk for a password reset, he answered, he worked swing shift, I worked days, so the chances of me calling at that time were slim. We started talking about what we were going to school for, and that I wouldn’t mind talking to him about the courses I was taking, as they were related to his studies.
I should have called off the wedding, but we were so deep into it that I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I was on Tinder and Reddit looking for anyone to have s** with me. I would often take pet-sitting gigs just so that I could be away from my ex and would invite men over. I was always finding an excuse not to go home.

I then met my now fiancé. At first, it was just s**, then it became even more. Mind you, I have mental health issues and at the time wasn’t being treated properly. I was unhappy with myself, my marriage, and my life. I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I hated what I was doing, but I was acting on impulse and selfishness. My ex did not deserve that, and in fact, we finally decided to get a divorce after the 5th ER visit for his panic attacks in a week. I already knew he wasn’t doing well. He didn’t take very good care of himself, no matter how hard I tried to nag him about it. He also had mental health issues, stopping meds without consulting his doctor, having lost his dad three weeks prior to us talking, and what makes me feel really bad is we were in the ER on Father’s Day years ago.

I told him I wanted to confess something to him, but he said if it doesn’t help our situation, best to just let it go. He is such a good guy, and everything was amicable. We still text from time to time, he updates me on the 2nd dog we got together that bonded with him more than me. There are so many things I feel remorseful for. I hate cheaters. I outed my cousin because he brought around his mistress to my sister and me when we were in college. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother (the one who raised me). I hate cheaters, but then I became one.

I wonder if my mental health had been treated better, if I would have done what I did. I feel loads of shame and guilt. I realized it was a sign that my ex and I were incompatible and that my now fiancé is my true soulmate. He, too, said he wasn’t innocent in all of this and knew all of the struggles I had been through. However, I hate the circumstances of how we met, the fact that I went against my morals and values, and now I have a feeling karma is coming for me. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t true. Sometimes, it’s because we have something going on inside of us that we can’t quite figure out why we do the things we do sometimes, even though we know it’s wrong.

My ex is very happy now. He moved closer to his family; we are about 4 hours away from each other. The dog is thriving, he has a house that he is renting from his sister-in-law, and he seems to be doing well. I’m super happy for him.

I knew I wasn’t the one for him. I even told him that while we weren’t officially together yet, he’d find the right person. We thought it was a sign to be with each other, considering how we reconnected years after I had initially gotten together with the ex-boyfriend, but in fact, I was right all along.

He told me that the reason why he married me was that I was the only woman to have ever paid any attention to him. His first girlfriend only lasted a year, and from what it sounded like, she wasn’t really interested in him and just kept him around.

I feel so much guilt for everything in our past. He really didn’t deserve any of it, my ex-boyfriend; however, in my opinion, he did deserve it more than my ex-husband, as he was a piece of work. I’m just glad we are both doing better for ourselves and are still amicable. He does not know I’m engaged to the affair partner, and I have no intention of letting him know; it’s none of his business and wouldn’t help either one of us. I suffer from ADHD, and the looping of this event has never left me alone. I’ve been feeling it for a while, I’ve paid for my wrongdoings, and I’m making sure I never do anything like that again. It’s not my proudest moment. I’ve punished myself a lot over the years, and it’s something I have to live with, but I shouldn’t keep beating myself over it.

This starts on a sad note . I had just had my 14th birthday . No experience of s** . Only m*********** . My grandmother had been in hospital . This was in England where hospitals and all health care is free . She was told that she was going to die from terminal breast cancer . Given a choice to stay in hospital or go home and have nurses visiting her . She did not want to spend her last days in hospital . She wanted to be with her family . My mother asked her to come to stay with us . She did not work so would be at home . Her and my dad decided to shield me from the suffering . We only had two double bedrooms and a smaller one . My grandmother would stay in my room . They wanted me to move out . They had a friend who was 34 . She owned her own home and had a very good job . Allowing her freedom to choose her hours or work from home . She saw that my parents were stressed by dealing with everything . She offered to let me stay with her . I was reluctant to go . I knew her . But she was my parents friend . It was Friday after school that my parents packed my clothes in to their car . Driving me to her home . They dropped me off and left . June was the name of their friend . I had always called her Miss xxxxxx . From the start she told me not to call her that . It was June . She showed me to my room . Telling me it was my private space and i could treat it like it . Then she showed me the bathroom and toilet . Apologising for only having a bath and no shower . She liked to lay in a hot bath with a radio playing . Reading a book . She wanted me to treat her home as if it was mine . Helping myself to things from the fridge and cupboards . My friends who had seen June. Fancied her . She was blond and had a good figure . Like them i fancied her in a schoolboy fantasy way . I had masturbated thinking about her . On the first nigh June asked me if i wanted a bath to help me relax and settle in . At home we had a bath and a shower . Every night depending on how i was feeling . I had a bath or a shower . I told her i would like to have a shower . She gave me towels and i got my pyjamas . It is a large bathroom . I undressed in there and had my shower . Putting my pyjamas on after it . June asked me for the clothes that i had taken off . She was going to wash them . On the Saturday we had breakfast . June told me she was going shopping at a large designer outlet 12 miles from us . Telling me that i could go with her if i wanted to . We visited the stores . In clothes stores she held up things to show me and ask my opinion . She bought a few things . Then she took me to a lingerie store . Showing me underwear and asking for my opinion . Men were there with their wives but i was them looking at June . I thought it is me that she is with . She took me for a meal . Over the meal she asked if she could buy me something . In the end it was a pair of trainers . Expensive trainers . In the afternoon she wanted me to try them and show her what they looked like . June tried on some of the clothes that she bought . Still asking my opinion of how she looked in them . She showed me the underwear that she had bought . Asking if she had made the correct choice . That night when i was having my bath she cracked open the door . Not looking in . Only asking if i was alright and did i need anything . Over a few nights she opened the door wider . When she did i always covered my p**** with my hands . Just in case she came in . One night she did come in offering to wash my back . She didn’t wait for may answer . Getting hold of the flannel . Putting soap on it and washing me . This time my hands were covering my erection . For a few nights she did this . I was enjoying it . Then one time the soap slipped out of her hand . Falling between my legs . June reached down to pick it up . Brushing her hand against my erection . She did not say anything . Her next move was to get me to stand up . To let her wash my back . I couldn’t cover my erection . Without saying anything she was m*********** me and making me c** in the bath . She handed me a towel and told me to get dry . June was having a bath . She shouted me saying she needed my help . I went in . She was sitting in the bath . I could see her b**** . She asked me to wash her back . Putting soap on the flannel and handing it to me . I had my pyjamas on . She couldn’t miss seeing my erection in them . I washed her back for her every night . Then one night when she shouted me . She was standing up in the bath . Asking me to pass her the towel . Not only did i get my erection . I thought i was going to c** in my pyjamas . I gave her the towel and left her . After her bath she wore her cotton nightdress . Sitting opposite me i an arm chair . Just sitting there she looked so s*** . Then she sat with her knees apart . I was trying to see her p**** with no luck . After 2 nights it all changed . When she sat down . She sort of slid forward on the chair . Now when she was sitting with her knees apart i could see her p**** and her pubic hair . She did it for a couple of nights . I couldn’t help staring at it . On the second night she asked . Can you see enough . Pulling her nightdress up further . She came to sit with me . Letting me feel her . That night we had s** and i slept with her . Now every night i slept with her . As a 14 year old boy it was amazing . Some days she would not dress . Sitting in the lounge naked. She taught me to lick her p**** and give her an o***** . She started to drop me off at school . My pals did not know that i was staying with her . Only that she gave me a lift . They were all making comments about my lift . Nice comments . I had to stay with her for six weeks . My parents always saying they were sorry about me having to stay . My grandmother passed away and i could go home . When i was told . I didn’t want to leave . June told me that i could see her at any time . It made leaving her easier . My Saturdays and Sundays were spent with her and some evenings after school .