Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load the car!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you look tired!
What does it make you if you see a robbery at an Apple Store? An iwitness.
What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar.
Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.
How do you stay warm in any room? Sit in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. It’s your ..
What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? You’re nuts!
How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.
Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
Where does a spy go to the toilet? A gents!
A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night.
What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.
Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.
What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
brains really fucked up ive been in the back yard staring at the sun.
I j******* to i***** p*** so much, I fantasize every couple I see as i***** in one way or another. If their different colors I just think step or half. My brains ..
Discovering my mom’s p******: Part two… That fateful day was the night my sister went on a date and came home super drunk. I knew something was up because ..
“Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.”
What do you call a belt made of watches?” “A waist of time.”
😂😂😂 Bless you. I love laughing. 😋
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.”
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?”
“I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now
“I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.”
How does a taco say grace?” “Lettuce pray.”
“What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”
“Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”
“I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.”
What has more letters than the alphabet?” “The post office!”
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?” “Where’s Pop Corn?”