People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. It’s your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about – it’s been collecting dirt on you for years.

What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? You’re nuts!

How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? They dribble all the time.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.

Where does a spy go to the toilet? A gents!

A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. The big moron fell off. Do you know why the other one didn’t? Because he was a little more on.

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every night.

What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It was a vicious cycle.

Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.

What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.

brains really fucked up ive been in the back yard staring at the sun.

I j******* to i***** p*** so much, I fantasize every couple I see as i***** in one way or another. If their different colors I just think step or half. My brains really fucked up ive been in the back yard staring at the sun.

Discovering my mom’s p******: Part two…
That fateful day was the night my sister went on a date and came home super drunk. I knew something was up because she was crying and my mom took her into the bathroom. I tried to listen but they were whispering, and...

“Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.”

What do you call a belt made of watches?” “A waist of time.”

😂😂😂 Bless you. I love laughing. 😋

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.”

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?”

“I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now

“I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.”

How does a taco say grace?” “Lettuce pray.”

“What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”

“Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”

“I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.”

What has more letters than the alphabet?” “The post office!”

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?” “Where’s Pop Corn?”

“Where do fruits go on vacation?” “Pear-is!”

How does the moon cut his hair?” “Eclipse it.”

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?” “Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.

What did the ocean say to the beach?” “Nothing, it just waved.”

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?” “Sofishticated.”

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.