You know what? I’m gonna tell a story I’ve only told once to one person cause it’s probably the most embarrassing story I have. That might not be true, but it is super embarrassing. F*** it, no shame though.
When I was 19 I met a girl at a party, I got her number, we were talking, and then the next day I ended up at her place. She wanted to give me a b******, but the timing could not have been worse, it was sub-optimal timing. It would’ve been better timing if she gave me a b****** while I was feeding my dogs in front of my parents, but this was just inhumane.
I really, REALLY had to take a piss, and for some reason, I didn’t just excuse myself and was like excuse me, I really need to use your restroom to urinate. I wanted to tough it out, I really wanted to be a big man, a big strong man, and y’know get a b****** while having to take a piss, and y’know I thought everything would be fine.
So she starts going to town and I pissed all over her, right in her mouth, in her face, and there was no mistaking it was piss. Like y’know you can put lipstick on a pig and it’s still a pig, this didn’t even try to disguise it’s true identity, it was as yellow as pineapple. It indiscriminately soaked EVERYTHING in her room, it was like I was firing a Thompson Sub Machine Gun, it was f****** propelling at speeds I could only imagine a f****** space-shuttle could travel at.
I was just shocked cause I don’t usually piss with a force of a thousand ballistas, but this piss was leaving my urethra with a mission, and that mission was to cover the world in itself, to drown universe in this vile liquid I was producing. It was absolutely remarkable, and I felt it coming too, I could feel it just surging, I could feel the calm before the storm, and then the storm itself.
I knew I had opened Pandora’s box, I was gonna try and play it off cool, I was like y’know what? I’m just gonna be like y’know I ejaculate pretty hard sometimes, but when I saw how yellow it was, I knew this is how the world was going to end. I remember after the apocalypse erupted from me I remember verbatim what she said, she said I just can’t deal with this.
I don’t remember exactly what she said next, and I don’t remember exactly how she dealt with the mess I created, but I do remember that it does have a happy ending. We still ended up hooking up, so I was fine, but on that day I learned a valuable lesson, humanity received a grim reminder that when you need to piss, you should absolutely piss.
It was also really cool of her though because she didn’t get extremely pissed off that I pissed on everything she held dear in the world. We saw each other a lot after that actually, we didn’t date, but we did see each other a lot. She was really cool, I really, really liked her. I just realized that I’m almost out of power on my phone here. I also just realized this is the first story I’ve shared about one of my many f***-ups with women.
