I am gay, and I am deeply in love with my staight friend. the other day, I was really drained because he talks about girls quite often. (obviously, we are h**** teenagers with no experience in relationships, so talking about girls, s**, relationships etc. is a part of almost every conversation.) It is so weird because he is my best friend, I should talk with him about girls and be a normal friend, but we both kno I am gay. I cannot just lie to myself saying that I find some girls atractive cus I do not. Well and he did kinda notice I am off, so he let me come over and asked me what is wrong, ho can he help etc. I just asked If I can get a hug. We cuddled for a few minutes, then we on his bed and he asked wht is going on with me. “you wouldnt understand it becaouse ysou dont like guys” I said. But he still insisted on knowing whats bothering me. So I explained to him that I like someone, and that he is straight and how I am scared of ruining our friendship with that person because even if I didnt like him he is still one of my closest friends. And hes like “okay, who is this guy?” I was rambling about how he would be mad at me ad how I should not tell him, but he wanted to know. He asked why would he be mad at me, thee is nothing to worrya about. “well, because you dont like guys..” I replayed, trying to stay calm and not freak out because it just slipped. He seemed to think about my qestion, then his eyes lit up and he was once again paying full attention to me. “WAIT REALLY” he asked. We then talked about what I like about him, what I find atractive about him, how long have I liked him and how painfull it is for me. It felt like the first time I could be completely honest about my feelings towards him, and it deffinitelly helped me a little. He explained to me how he is so sorry, but he only likes girls. I could tell he is stressed about it aswell, I would be too if I was straight and my gay friend just told me he is inlove with me. But he still remained calm, even comforted me and held me in his arms for a while to make sure I am okay. For a second I trought he could like me back. We had these nice romantic moments before.. and when I confessed that I like him, he was smiling and seemed even happy? But then it was like he realised something and his smile dropped. As I was leaving we hugged for a long time and he promissed it wont change anything about our friendship. But I can see it bothers him, he must be really confused and drained from me. I just wish hed be gay. Or bisexual or something. Basically I reallly wish I at least had a chance. Would he like me if I was a girl? If he was gay, would he feel the same? I cannot help but think about these useless qestions. I know it is stupid and we are young, but I AM in love with him. Its not just a small crush anymore. I could see us living together in 10 years, I can imagine spending the rest of my life with him, If I could I would. I wouldnt mind losing everyone just to be with him. But nothing from the above is possible. Because he is my straight best friend that just wants a chill life with a wife and children, meanwhile I am his depressed gay friend thats hopelessly in love with him. I am so pissed at myself for liking him, at the universe for making him straight, at my friends for not being able to understand what I am going trough and honestly not even trying to help me like I am not helping them all the time. I am pissed at my mom for thinking I just chose to be gay, at my teachers for making everything hard for me like I am not dealing with enough already and I know it is y fault that I didnt study but how am I suppoest to study when I felt like killing myself and then when I meet someone who makes me genuetly happy – he doesnt like me back. He never will.
