I had a secret relationship with an English teacher at my school when I was 15 for 2 years. I added him on Facebook, but he didn’t know I was a student in the school he was teaching at first. He wasn’t my English teacher, so he didn’t recognize me initially.

When we first messaged each other, it quickly went to exchanging messages of wanting to ‘cuddle’ me. Probably a week later or so, he finally realized that I was a student in his school when I kept sending pictures of myself.

But we had already talked about hugs, cuddling in bed and s**. So when we first met, he drove to my house and went back to his. And I just realized he was literally living 2 minutes away from me.

It was somehow exciting to have this secrecy. It made it all more special. We never had a date in public, it was always in his house. He had this obsession with lesbians and he introduced that idea to me which made me a bi officially lol.

We had a great chemistry. We shared a similar sense of humour. We shared similar interests even though he was in his forties.

Everyone disliked him at school as he was an OCD. He always began his classes with cleaning for at least 15 mins before he started teaching. But no students really knew him like how I did. He was (too) professional at school. But he was actually so funny.

A few times, I was in his dodge ball class as he was the coach for that sport club. I wasn’t his pet student. But I felt special in my own world knowing that this man was like my ‘boyfriend’.

I always sneakily brought my phone to school (High school doesn’t allow it here) and I was always texting him. I had a habit of going into the staff room just so I could see him. He always complained about my choice of drinks that I bought at the canteen as it was ‘unhealthy’ for my skin. He always made notes of what I was doing whenever he was around even just for a second like how he saw me ‘walking like a zombie’ as I was tired. lol.

One day, on his birthday I gave him a small glass that’s filled with candies and I put it on his table on the staff room. I hid it in between his books as I left a note on top of it saying ‘eat me.’

I wasn’t particularly sure if he was my boyfriend. I had a guy at school who had a crush on me and sometimes, he walked around school with me. One day, the Teacher saw me with him. When I met him after school, he was all quiet and upset.

He finally revealed that was jealous but he was more concerned about the fact that he had ‘feelings’ for me. He laid on his back on the bed across me – not touching me, not kissing me, he was just staring at the ceiling wall. Out of all the men I’ve been with after him, he was the only who was really obsessed with me and was so clingy. Whenever we did something together, eating or watching movies, his hand never stopped caressing my back. Never. I felt good around him. I felt I could be myself and that there was no pressure in the relationship. No jealousy or expectancy. It was just s**. Supposedly.

But he fell in love with me. And I did too. Every sweet response he sent to me, I always screenshot it. Every text he sent to me, it was so special to me. It meant so much to me. It was just so different from other men I met afterwards. I don’t know why. He had these subtle clever messages to tease me but it was also implying that he knew me so well. He teased about things that always made me laugh. He never tried too hard, or trying to impress me.

We talked day and night, we messaged each other good morning and good night like other couples. We shared so many things with each other, he helped me with my English and even helped me with my university reference last year.

One time, when I was at his house, someone yelled at his front door. But we thought the noise came from the neighborhood as we had the tv sound so loud.
But after so many knocking, we finally realized there was someone at the door. So I had to run to the bedroom and hide. Turned out, it was my ACTUAL English teacher. I rested my ear on the door to listen to their conversation. Mr. H did notice that the Teacher was shocked and looking nervous. So he asked him if he was okay. He said he was just feeling sick. I was giggling behind the door like an idiot.

After he went away, the Teacher came to the bedroom and he was pale as f***. The next few days, he texted me that we had to stop. It broke me. I was trying to talk him out of it. We never had an argument before. So when I met him, it was hard, I couldn’t speak English very well at the time but he saw me struggling not to cry. We left that day without any cuddling or even a hug.

But a week after that, he asked me to come back for ‘hugs’. When I entered his bedroom, I saw ‘welcome back’ written on a paper on the bed. I was happy.

A few months later, he decided to leave the country. And I still remember how much I cried on the day he left. I couldn’t sleep that day at all. I guess I was really in love.

Last year at college, I just found out that an ex student from my school was contacted by him on Instagram. He asked her to do s***** videos for him. I messaged him and I was mad at him. He confessed that it was after he left the country. To me, it made me realize that I wasn’t anything ‘special’, and that made me so mad more than anything else. I blocked him everywhere and he never reached out to me until on my birthday. He sent me an email and wished me and said ‘I love you.’

I’m 21 now. I realized how the circumstance between us just kinda happened. I initiated that relationship. Part of me still blamed myself for letting that to happen. I’m also realizing that how much it affects me, my future and my relationship with men. Some guys accepted my past. I always shared about my life with guys I dated with. Honest is my policy in relationships and I expect the same. But it became sort of a sarcasm or an insult whenever there’s an argument. To some degree, I trusted men to give this information to seek sympathy but honestly, I could never do it again as I know they will weaponise it whenever they can to make me feel bad about myself.

He wasn’t a bad man. I lured him into this immoral act. And a man will always be a man.