Imagine Princess Peach being clamped down on by a hungry Piranha Plant, crying her eyes out having a proper tantrum like a kid in Tesco Mushroom Kingdom, being denied his Tesco Value Mario Metal Cap from a haggard mother, but she’s being eaten out good cos he has a big long tongue and none of these airy fairy feelings that modern men do – why do you think Luigi never features in these games, he’s a crybaby Italian, who wants a crybaby Italian in their game? Shigsy had better sense than that. Anyways, she kinda gets off on being in unspeakable ayahuasca trip style pain/torment, and in the throes of bliss akin to being molested in a lesbian p*** o*** that we’ll never get to see thank you very much Nintendo family standards *mutter mutter* simultaneously, to the point of voiding her 64 bit bowels and giving the plant his fertilizer reward at the same time, and let’s face it, it beats being koopa stomped in bed by Bowser with his kidnap fetish, right? I mean Mario is ok for an Italian but he’s a little vanilla dome in bed, I guess that’s what you get for letting a green scaly monster kidnap the girl so often that instead of reading on the internet about all manner of k**** s** positions and techniques, you spend so much time rescuing her that the jobcentre think it’s an internship you have with Koopa Enterprises and take your fags and booze money away. Sure, she likes that he gets her some discount pizza after they f***, but she’s a little on the wild side. Hell, Peach would even screw the f*** out of Link, now there’s a hero who knows how to banish his enemies to other realms forever. Imagine Link using the hookshot on Peach in bed, actually that might end badly, we know Link is a vampiric heart-stealing beast who will stop at nothing to get every heart in the world, be it from a chest, or a demon. Mind you, Zombie Peach would be cute. I wouldn’t count on the cakes she bakes being any better though. They’d probably be full of brains after she watches Samus’s alien recipes channel. Yeuch.

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