my mental illness caused me to do some twisted things in the past that I’m still working on resolving to this day. some of those things, I’ve resolved somehow; working through them in a way that makes sense, finding reasons to believe in the possibility that they turned out fine; but some things I’ve done are ones where I don’t know for sure if they crossed some kind of irredeemability line or not. like, I’ve done other unrelated s*** where I _know_ how bad it was, or at least can reasonably infer. I know what that weight feels like. but it’s like this other s*** is so complicated that it eludes that certainty.

the issues that still get stuck in my teeth, I try to resolve with whatever moral and logical reasoning I can manage that sounds convincing enough to me, and that would hopefully sound convincing to other people if I ever told them about this s***. and failing that, I just cling to a handful of responses from anonymous confession sites that I’ve dumped this s*** in that say that the things I did were fine to move on from, or at least not _evil_. it’s the only way I can think I’m a person who deserves things like happiness, an identity that isn’t these things I mull over, and being around other people. and it works, for a few hours or a few days at a time. the weight lifts, and I get to be a person. and then we’re right back to that open wound, and it’s all I am.

and it’s so damn tiring. even trying to be my own defence attorney against the part of my brain that goes into moral panics about these things feels like I’m deluding myself, running away from the monsterhood that I have to be. like I’m the kind of fucked up that doesn’t _get_ to be over it, ever. I’ve gone to a counselor about this s***, but they’re not gonna opine on the moral dimensions of this s*** or how to resolve them; all they did was tell me I wasn’t a threat to people around me and to be nicer to myself. I feel like I’m all on my own when it comes to actually dealing with this s***. I feel like only death will release me from this hell. I feel like that’s what I deserve.