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It’s mentally exhausting to be with my grandma. Everytime she spoke, she would do it in passive-aggressive tone. When she is angry with me, she’d give silent treatment and exploded if I admit my mistake. Either that or she pretended it never happened, it’s sickening. When I was so stressed at my thesis, she kept putting me down and talked crap how I took after my mom and dad (they’re divorced). How I’m a devil in disguise. Mind you I always got the best grade and never went home late. I even abandoned my best friend because she said my friend will hurt me, and back then I foolishly believed her. When my lecturer asked for my number since I helped her in the research, grandma told me the lecturer was using me. But the lecturer has always given me credit and greet me.. one time I lost hope, I want to kms with all the pressure..she just said to do it with anger. Hah..f***..if it weren’t for wish to repay my mom, if it were..f***..I often massaged her at night cuz she’s easily sick, and when she slept, my tears would fall silently cuz I hate her. I hate touching her. And I hate myself for hating her..I don’t want my feeling to be easily affected.

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Many mornings i sit on my front porch with coffee and a cigarette as a relaxing way to watch the world wake up. This morning i was doing so with the residual taste of the male runner i orally please (usually weekly but sometimes more frequently) still clinging in my throat. An older couple was on ther morning walk today, i see them occasionally. She was the usual casual wave and good morning but he did not even glance my direction. She called him out on it and told him to at least say good morning, and they were on their way again. As they walked away he turned and looked back at me with an uncertain ezpression on hia face I hope she did not give him grief later, because i know why he was acting awkwardly. About six weeks ago he made his first visit to my back yard shed to take his own pleasure in my mouth. It was actually emotional for him because he had not gotten any relief in a very long time. I told him he was welcome any time. But like many older married men he was truly suffering the guilt and shame of taking his pleasure in a man’s mouth and for being unfaithful to his wife. But naturally after getting the incredible pleasure i gave him as i reverently worshipped his hard hungry male flesh…he told me during and after that he had no idea such pleasure existed…his guilt and remorse and shame got to him and after a couole of weeks i assumed he would never return. But sure enough, i eventually saw him on a morning solo walk and he came up to me unable to even speak or ask, and i simply had him follow me to my back yard shed and without speaking i gave him what he needed again. And of course afterwards despite his enjoyment in the moment, he was in tears again and said he could never do this again. But a week later, he was back for more. Then again a few days after that This is where we are at as i saw him on his walk with his wife this morning. I have sincere empathy for his inner crisis, and he kmows if he comes back for more he will get it time and again. I know it sounds arrogant but i know eventually he will come back again and again. Not because i am conceited but because i simply know men and the type of man that seeks what i give them on my knees. He will come back because they all do eventually this is simply how some men get what they need and i enjoy giving it to them for a host of reasons…..from the diary of a closet neighborhood cocksucker