Iam either gonna die or end up in a psychiatry on suicide watch. And you know what? I am at a point right now where I seriously HOPE that someone calls an

3 years

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Iam either gonna die or end up in a psychiatry on suicide watch. And you know what? I am at a point right now where I seriously HOPE that someone calls an ambulance and puts me in a psych ward becaude i have no energy anymore. I can not get therapy because of my family but I NEED it. I am thinking about doing something serious,like stopping eating or cutting myself (i already scratch myself but i do it so softly and carefully that there are no marks) or attempting suicide so that my family finally realizes how i feel and that it is not just for attention, dear mother. If i die during the suicide attempt, i die. If i survivey i get therapy. If i end up handycapped, i am just gonna accept my fate and rot in a home for people with hadndycaps or something. It seems like a f****** good deal. The only person who really knows how i feel is one of my best friends, Fabio. And i feel so, so guilty for destroying his day over and over and over again. I am a burden. I worry him, i worry Eric and I even worry Milena because she knows me too much. This fucker told me i am not allowed to kil myself. WTF you gonna do, huh? Be by my side 24/7? If i wanna kill myself, imma kill myself. As if he could stop me. If i kill myself i am finnaly not a burden to my surroundings anymore. And I am seeing this neutral right now. If you look at it objectively, i AM a bruden right now and if i was gone, i would not be anymore. I realize how much of a crazy thinking is going on here this is NOT my furst episode that is so intense i had one in middle school that was similar i see the patterns i just dont f****** care anymore and i wish someone would just hug me and tell me its okay but every time someone offers this to me i just say no and physically push them away. I cannot do this anymore and if i wasnt such a p**** i would have tried to kill myself already. F*** my promise to myself that i am NEVER gonna do ANYTHING to scar my arms because scars are s*****. I canot keep other promises why should i keep this one? I am not gonna keep this body for long anyways so f*** this. Nobody cares if a corpse has scars or wounds on their arm. Just put me in a f****** long sleeve shirt and lower that goddamn casket and leave me the f*** alone.

New Confession

Today I wake up it’s day three since my capture. Been held in this basement for today the third day with no sign of when I’ll be released. My name is Jake I’m 20 years old. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I was nabbed from a store round. This person seems to have no soul or compassion. He brought me here and has held me for three days completely naked.
This place looks like it was set up to hold people for periods of time. He has a fetish with preteen children, he befriends them, grooms them and trains them to aid in his bidding. They show up randomly in couples or small groups and as many ae twelve at a time.
He is a control freak and forces me to say whatever he wants me to say. Apparently he’s recording what he is doing to hopefully maintain my silence of what he’s done. I may seem rational to you but it’s because I’m writing from past history. But then, at the moment, I was so f****** scared I would do absolutely anything to get out of there. I finally got out by convincing him that I agreed with everything he was doing. He literally forced me to j******* in front of those kids until I came and I was to yell out how I liked that he forced me to because I was scared of him. He was turned on by the way the kids laughed at me. And that he caused it. I heard a boy say to another something about how many they’ve seen be a coward like that before. My people I’m warning you be aware this can happen to anybody, this nut isn’t racist nor judge mental. Everyone or anyone is fair game I’ve heard of different people and different states. Don’t walk alone men between 20 – 50.

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