I always see videos of people with their friends, and I think why can’t I have that to? Why do I have to ruin every relationship I have before they can

4 years

143 Views

I always see videos of people with their friends, and I think why can’t I have that to? Why do I have to ruin every relationship I have before they can leave and hurt me. Just like everyone has. Why can’t I trust people. I am always so scared people will see me for who I really am, a horrible friend and person. Someone who no one should love. Why can’t I ask for help? I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel but every time I try I can’t. I feel like anytime I try I remember that I’m just be dramatic, and that so many people have it worse than me. I remember that they will probably think that too. They will tell me to get over it and s*** it up. That I just want attention, and nothing is wrong with me. That I am faking it, maybe I am. Maybe I am creating a reality for myself because I want to. Maybe I could stop feeling like this if I tried. But I am trying, I am trying so hard, to just forget about myself. And do you know what is the scariest part? How easy it is to put back on the ‘I’m fine’ mask. How easy it is to pretend, especially with myself. I can feel like total s*** and hate myself so much and then I hear someone coming and I can pretend that I wasn’t thinking about doing something or crying about how much I miss everything. So many people have left I don’t feel anything other than this sort of numbness. It’s like I’m empty. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve run out of tears, so all I can do is lie on the floor staring at the ceiling as hours go by. I can’t stop think about how it was. Every year I miss the last. I think about all the good times. But I’m scared because there are less and less every year. I’m worried that soon there will be none. I will have no one, no one will care if I just disappear. It would be so nice, to be gone. To not exist. But I can’t do it yet. I need to first try, I need to actually ask for help. But I can’t do that either. The two solutions go round and round my head. Again and again. I just want to stop feeling like this. I don’t just feel sad, it hurts. I can’t place how or where, it just does. I just want to scream and sob. But I can’t because then people will come and ask ‘are you okay?’. I don’t even know why I’m so scared. So scared to have people see how… I don’t know, sad doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. Im not sad. I am so much worse. So so much. I’m so tired all the time. I just want to give up, on everything. School, friends, family, life. But at the same time I just want to be happy. I want to be able to go out to the mall with my friends and not having to worry if they think I’m babyish or clingy or if they might have a much better time without me. All I have right now are those small moments, of complete happiness where I forget about all I’m worried about. But those don’t happen anymore. I don’t think anyone is actually happy to see me in the morning. I think that I am just another person on this planet. I am just a stranger, just another student or classmate, just another beating heart. I wonder if everyone feels like this. I hope not. I would never wish this feeling on anyone. Not even the people that make my blood boil. Because at least they make me feel something. Could I be happy? If I just was born as a different person? Could I not be listening to my ‘songs to cry to’ playlist at 3 in the morning? Could I not hate myself and everything about me? Could i not be trying to change how I look, not comparing myself to others. I don’t know if I’m going to be hear for a lot longer. I just don’t want it to be painful. I just want it all to stop. I just want everything to be gone. But the thing is I don’t want to hurt anyone the same way so many hurt me. Because when they left they didn’t really have a choice. I do, I can stay even if it’s just for others. Except I don’t want to stay. Because if I left I could have no attachments for when I do it. That way I don’t hurt anyone. If I’m being complete honest, I don’t know how to commit. At least in a painless way. It’s kinda funny though. I’m some ways I don’t want it to hurt, but in others that all want. To punish myself. To feel a pain or emotion that’s real. Not just in my head. It’s weird to think that this isn’t actually real. That I’m making it up. That I have created this feeling for myself. I am so sorry to anyone I have hurt. I’m am so sorry. I don’t know how to show how much. I wish I hadn’t let you in, I wish I could have just left you alone and not try to make become friends with me. Because i am going to hurt spin way or another. Because how am I supposed not hurt others when I can tint hurt myself. But again I don’t deserve to have people or myself show me kindness and love. I don’t deserve anything. Not friends or a family or life at all. Someone else could be so much better at living. Why can they just take over, fix everything I have done. I’m so done with life. I don’t want to feel this numb pain. ‘Numb pain’ doesn’t really make sense until you feel it. It’s like the numbness is painful, or maybe the pain is numbing. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

New Confession

When I think about you , I just get angry. Then miserable. Then sad. I mean it was foolish to think someone like me could be happy. Some People are cursed. Ramirez.alondra1

Related Confessions

Idk if this happens commonly or if i am just very very unlucky. My father passed away 9 years before my mother. When she passed it was time to clean out the home they lived in for over 30 years of a 60 year marriage. My father took his camera with him all over the world in the military. Still camera and 8mm. Boxes and boxes of slides and reels. I simply saved them and set them aside for later. I got time months later and got one of those 35mm slide to jpg scanners and just ground thru them. When i got them all scanned i got a later chance to prop my feet up and go thru them. Amongst all the widespread scenery and travel and cool vintage moments i stumble across pics of my mother. Many of them simple poses in many places, mostly outdoors, she was actually a modestly attractive classic pinup type. But then i run into the lingerie shots. And then the tasteful n u d e s indoors and outdoors. And then the real shocker. On any scale my mother was the classic church going uppity prudish b**** woth zero tolerance for bawdy or suggestive behavior or language. Hell sometimes i would say something crude just to push her uptight buttons. You would not believe how bent out of shape she got when she found evidence of my first s** dream on the sheets. Or at least what i ever saw from her was that way.

But i see hundreds of shots that are full bore graphic. Nothing artful about them. Spread shots, bendovers, hands between her legs, and then actually having s**. But in none of them is my father the man she is havimg s** with. He was obviously behind the camera. Some of them? A minister i recognize because she used to drag me to church all the time. Neighbors or friends of my parents that i remember. . It just kept piling on. Shots of my mother having lesbian s** with my aunt, my father’s older sister. Shots of my mother with other women i dont recognize, shots of my aunt with some of the same women. Shots of my mother with multiple men. Def did not wake up that or any day expecting or wanting to see pics of my mother getting spitroasted or used by a group of men and pretty much looking like she is having a grand time. When i do manage to force myself to power thru them all, hypocrtically, my parents were both moderately racist, but the handful that did have my father in them? He was having s** with a few different women, all african american women, except for one woman. His f****** sister, the same aunt i saw shots of my mother having s** with.

The s***** part was having to go through all of them because i did not want to risk losing family photos or memories or history that were NOT my parents’ s** escapades. At that point i accepted that the stack of 8mm movies might be similar. And i was right. The huge majority of them were my mother and the various random men my mother was having s** with, but some of the men were not in the still shot stack. No decent family movies at all sadly, the whole lot except 3 of the 8mm were either my mother and who tf knows who the men were, or great, a lesbian movie with my same aunt. The 3 exceptions? A mix of my parents doing foursomes with two diff couples. Both of those couples i knew/ remembered as family friends, i had grown up with their kids. In both cases wife swapping with my parents. And the crown jewel…..obviously sarcastically….my dad with my mother and aunt.

Look don,t get me wrong, i am nowhere near a prude, we all have our little quirks and kinks. I am not judging any of them, it was theie thing to do. I confess i had a few queasy reactions because the stills and movies span a time from before i or my sister were even born, to a time when we were mid 30s, which put my parents and aunt in their 70s. Hell i hope i am still having s** when i am that age.

By the time i was done, i had one focus…..there was not a condom in sight in any of it. Was my father actually my father? Is my sister my full sister or half sister? Do i have half siblings i dont even know somewhere? How glad am i that i have never done the spit in a tube ancestry or 23 and me thing, because i do not want to fall into that vortex of doom?