There really only 3 women I can think of from my past, distant past, predating everything, except one who I met in 2016,
Who I still would consider getting around if circumstances set it in that direction.
2 of them are commited, and I respect that, it doesn’t mean I don’t care, but it’s difficult how to approach it. What do I want? That’s an important question to ask. What will other people think it is? What I want?
The other one who I have only seen once…. I’m back at that place once ever week. If I ever see her again, I might say hi to her.
As far as buddies, some I have no thing against, but they’re tied to others who seem to screw up things of mine that are good, and nobody wins. I hate to say it, because it might come across as me thinking I’m better, but it was a group, where it felt like if I stayed in it, I was never gonna find and keep a trying good or worth anything.
I don’t think anything’s changed either. There was s*** prior in my past life at the time, more than one thing, I. Ever shared it. NEVER. More than one thing which saying honestly what it was. I know for a fact I never spoke of these things. Not even a conscious decision, I didn’t say to myself “I am keeping this” I just instinctually didn’t share it. It says a lot.
To me it was toxic. Not all of it, there’s people in that group who were not like that, but they’re connected to ones I consider toxic. From my perspective. Others might not see them as toxic, to me, they are.
Ghosting? I don’t know. I don’t really consider it ghosting in certain cases. It was really gradual, and I left after people scattered. I made the choice that because everyone is gone, finding some direction, I might as well do the same find a direction and maybe grow up a bit. I also decided I can’t be around certain people and their ways anymore either. I didn’t like the dynamic.
People trying to force their way in one way or another, covertly…. that’s real f****** bad from my perspective. I end up literally wanting to f****** kill people. No exaggeration, I am g******* angry. I end up hating your f****** guts 3x worse than the day before. It isn’t going anywhere.