4 years
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There really only 3 women I can think of from my past, distant past, predating everything, except one who I met in 2016,
Who I still would consider getting around if circumstances set it in that direction.

2 of them are commited, and I respect that, it doesn’t mean I don’t care, but it’s difficult how to approach it. What do I want? That’s an important question to ask. What will other people think it is? What I want?

The other one who I have only seen once…. I’m back at that place once ever week. If I ever see her again, I might say hi to her.

As far as buddies, some I have no thing against, but they’re tied to others who seem to screw up things of mine that are good, and nobody wins. I hate to say it, because it might come across as me thinking I’m better, but it was a group, where it felt like if I stayed in it, I was never gonna find and keep a trying good or worth anything.

I don’t think anything’s changed either. There was s*** prior in my past life at the time, more than one thing, I. Ever shared it. NEVER. More than one thing which saying honestly what it was. I know for a fact I never spoke of these things. Not even a conscious decision, I didn’t say to myself “I am keeping this” I just instinctually didn’t share it. It says a lot.

To me it was toxic. Not all of it, there’s people in that group who were not like that, but they’re connected to ones I consider toxic. From my perspective. Others might not see them as toxic, to me, they are.

Ghosting? I don’t know. I don’t really consider it ghosting in certain cases. It was really gradual, and I left after people scattered. I made the choice that because everyone is gone, finding some direction, I might as well do the same find a direction and maybe grow up a bit. I also decided I can’t be around certain people and their ways anymore either. I didn’t like the dynamic.

People trying to force their way in one way or another, covertly…. that’s real f****** bad from my perspective. I end up literally wanting to f****** kill people. No exaggeration, I am g******* angry. I end up hating your f****** guts 3x worse than the day before. It isn’t going anywhere.

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Idk if this happens commonly or if i am just very very unlucky. My father passed away 9 years before my mother. When she passed it was time to clean out the home they lived in for over 30 years of a 60 year marriage. My father took his camera with him all over the world in the military. Still camera and 8mm. Boxes and boxes of slides and reels. I simply saved them and set them aside for later. I got time months later and got one of those 35mm slide to jpg scanners and just ground thru them. When i got them all scanned i got a later chance to prop my feet up and go thru them. Amongst all the widespread scenery and travel and cool vintage moments i stumble across pics of my mother. Many of them simple poses in many places, mostly outdoors, she was actually a modestly attractive classic pinup type. But then i run into the lingerie shots. And then the tasteful n u d e s indoors and outdoors. And then the real shocker. On any scale my mother was the classic church going uppity prudish b**** woth zero tolerance for bawdy or suggestive behavior or language. Hell sometimes i would say something crude just to push her uptight buttons. You would not believe how bent out of shape she got when she found evidence of my first s** dream on the sheets. Or at least what i ever saw from her was that way.

But i see hundreds of shots that are full bore graphic. Nothing artful about them. Spread shots, bendovers, hands between her legs, and then actually having s**. But in none of them is my father the man she is havimg s** with. He was obviously behind the camera. Some of them? A minister i recognize because she used to drag me to church all the time. Neighbors or friends of my parents that i remember. . It just kept piling on. Shots of my mother having lesbian s** with my aunt, my father’s older sister. Shots of my mother with other women i dont recognize, shots of my aunt with some of the same women. Shots of my mother with multiple men. Def did not wake up that or any day expecting or wanting to see pics of my mother getting spitroasted or used by a group of men and pretty much looking like she is having a grand time. When i do manage to force myself to power thru them all, hypocrtically, my parents were both moderately racist, but the handful that did have my father in them? He was having s** with a few different women, all african american women, except for one woman. His f****** sister, the same aunt i saw shots of my mother having s** with.

The s***** part was having to go through all of them because i did not want to risk losing family photos or memories or history that were NOT my parents’ s** escapades. At that point i accepted that the stack of 8mm movies might be similar. And i was right. The huge majority of them were my mother and the various random men my mother was having s** with, but some of the men were not in the still shot stack. No decent family movies at all sadly, the whole lot except 3 of the 8mm were either my mother and who tf knows who the men were, or great, a lesbian movie with my same aunt. The 3 exceptions? A mix of my parents doing foursomes with two diff couples. Both of those couples i knew/ remembered as family friends, i had grown up with their kids. In both cases wife swapping with my parents. And the crown jewel…..obviously sarcastically….my dad with my mother and aunt.

Look don,t get me wrong, i am nowhere near a prude, we all have our little quirks and kinks. I am not judging any of them, it was theie thing to do. I confess i had a few queasy reactions because the stills and movies span a time from before i or my sister were even born, to a time when we were mid 30s, which put my parents and aunt in their 70s. Hell i hope i am still having s** when i am that age.

By the time i was done, i had one focus…..there was not a condom in sight in any of it. Was my father actually my father? Is my sister my full sister or half sister? Do i have half siblings i dont even know somewhere? How glad am i that i have never done the spit in a tube ancestry or 23 and me thing, because i do not want to fall into that vortex of doom?