When I was small my parents had a habit of taking out their insecurities on me. One of my mom’s biggest fears and guilts was her s********.
As a kid, most of my friends had played with themselves under their undies, but I felt too ashamed and repulsed by the idea of looking at “private” parts because, in my family, it was assumed that nobody, even yourself, should be wasting time feeling good when there was work to be done. I didn’t even know what I looked like, just that it hurt really badly when I got an erection (after a certain amount of time growing up totally untouched, cut foreskin gets very tight).
When I grew old enough to be curious about s** my parents chose to ignore my s******** except for handing me an old (1980s) book about puberty, and telling me that my browser history (research about s**) was destined to get me arrested for deviancy.
Turns out I’m autistic and it just so happens that these are the specific reasons I don’t comprehend the meaning of secrecy associated with s**. I genuinely believed nobody (except obviously nasty, visibly-dirty people) masturbated.
By the time I tried I was so bewildered by the sensation that I didn’t like it. Then I got concerned that I didn’t. I felt brainwashed. Uneducated. Confused.
I had no direction and only shame/guilt to guide me.
Many people talk about how it’s unacceptable to talk to kids about s** in a demonstrative or clear way. It’s assumed (nobody can explain to me in a logical way WHY, though) that any and all s***** contact between adults and children is unforgivable, but I desperately needed help.
Years later, I’ve had to undo decades of emotional repression and guilt just to be able to pee without shame just because my parents were so scared of showing me how and when it’s ok to appreciate my own sensual feelings.
I didn’t necessarily need their help, but it would have helped immensely. The only help I had was from other people who were also clueless because they didnt scare me by being s******* relaxed. If I had had true education (not just about diseases and pregnancy), truth taught about what is and isn’t consent, and what “good” feels like I feel like I would have not made the choices I did. I feel like I wouldn’t have been so desperate for physical validation in that way.
People say I have daddy issues and mommy issues as if they raped me… I have mommy issues and daddy issues because they MORTIFIED that educating me or allowing someone else to educate me would send them to hell, jail, or exile.
I wish, even now, that an adult had let me be physical with them without being fetishy or terrified I might tell on them. I would have been better for it.
Our society deserves better than labelling ALL ‘underage’ s** unhealthy. Just because not all kids get taught consent (the fault of s***** parents who demand compliance over self-determination) doesn’t mean all s** with young people is, by default, r***. In fact, I can say from experience, sometimes it’s the best thing. It sure beats a lifetime of obsession, exile, losing my family, and getting mislabeled by society (and, for a time, myself) as some wretch I never ever was.
At least if a kid gets hurt by a mistake/abuser they have a family to help them cope. I got abandoned for being raped as an adult. I didn’t even know I was allowed to say no. I thought they were giving me the love my parents suddenly LOST the instant I got curious about physical l*********.