I love her because of what she means to me. Platonic. I look at that one picture of a woman with the same name who I can’t say for sure IS her, but the more I look at it, the more I believe it is her and she is beautiful. Feminine beautiful. There was always something tough about her. Actually no there wasn’t always, but by the time the teens hit, the last real communication between us and they came to visit, I don’t know if I would go as far as to call it tom boyish, but she was something slightly strong about her. Life sometimes has a way of wiping that childish innocence away. That beaming bright squinty eyed smile. I look at in pictures. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I can’t remember if she actually called me cute to my face, off hand, or my mom told me later “she said you’re cute…” but there’s that. It says a lot when shes telling my mom she thinks I’m cute 🙂 She grew up to be involved in what I would consider a tough profession.

She grew up in a few ways which puts me in a bind with what I’m feeling. I WISH to hell I was in a position where she could come to me, or I could go to her and we could just be. I could take a shower, get us something to eat, relax and do things. Whatever that may be. With her. Even platonic, with what she has, would it be right for her to come to my place after I had a shower and snuggle with me on a couch watching TV? I wish. But I dont think it is. I want it to be, and we are in no position with distance to be able to do that anyway, but it wouldn’t be right. I gotta say though, that picture, and I am pretty sure it’s her, is striking to me. She’s gorgeous. She always was. I could tell my dog friends were smitten with her when I brought her along with me that one time they were here for a visit. I was looking at it from a different perspective. She was too much of a friend. She meant a lot to me for reasons I probably couldn’t express or even put my finger on at the time. It was respect. I should not have said or shot down anything about “best friends” earlier. I wish I could call her my best friend. She is WITH her best friend now. I’m pretty sure he shot that news footage I saw. I do love her though.

Is that what you wanted earlier? Talking about phases? I could use a friend tbh. Not just any friend either. I don’t mean that as a general blanket statement, I don’t want the majority of people as friends. I don’t need a friend. I need a specific person as one.