another day another rejection, another 24 hrs of doing exactly what everyone else wants me to do and what is expected of me with absolutely no return on it. this is at least the next 20 years of my life, and it is my penance for living so long making my own rules and just doing what i wanted. i’ve started smoking again so hopefully i can die sooner, and i’m gonna continue going through the motions until that day comes. it’s been made clear to me that i will never ever get the things i want, but everybody else will. this is no life to live, but i’m gonna do it, and then hopefully die at the end of this sentence with any luck. at least then people will hopefully have fond memories and speak well of me when i pass, because hey i did what i was supposed to and what everybody else wanted, and in the end that seems to be the only thing that matters to people.