When I was 9 I had a secret “relationship” with someone older. He started to touch me. I didn’t want to but I thought I had to. At 11 he raped me but I thought that’s what it was supposed to be like. I thought I was supposed to hate it, that everybody has to go through this in life.

When regular s** wasn’t enough anymore he escalated. He made me do anything and everything he saw in p***. He bought handcuffs to restrain me. He went through a d********* phase. He loved doing that because he knew I always spit his c** out when he came in my mouth so a way to force me to swallow was to bypass my mouth completely and to c** directly down my throat.

When he got bored of my throat it wasn’t long until he wanted a***. He anally raped me without lube or even trying to stick a finger in first a little later that year. If I wasn’t still 11 I was 12 maximum. He had a fully developed c*** and I didn’t know it then but now I know he was bigger than average. He was so rough. I bled but didn’t want to tell anyone so I just kept bleeding for years every time I went to the toilet. It hurt, I told him no and asked him to stop but he didn’t listen.

Then again when it became the new normal for him and it wasn’t enough anymore he bought sextoys so he could plug one of my holes while he fucked the other.

Back then it traumatized me. Now it’s all I can think about and I want to be raped again. I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to have a normal start at a s** life. I’m not even 18 yet and I feel so fucked up. Sometimes I get so h**** I expose myself on websites. I m********* for people, send them pictures. I tell them about my “ex” and I like that people get off to my body and my r****. It turns me on when they say they’d do it to me again if they could.