My eating disorder is taking over me again. I don’t eat because I just want to disappear. I don’t want curves to get men’s attention anymore. Besides that I found out how much I hate men, which is not surprising since I was molested by my own father and later assaulted by others too.

I told my husband I’m fasting, and he’s so into these popular diet things that he’s not worried about me at all, but very proud of me. He believes in prana eating. I’ve never seen him so satisfied before. He admires my willpower which me maybe doesn’t have. Or at least, he’s not sick enough to ruin his own body.

I think he also wants me to lose weight so he won’t be afraid of me. He’s frightened by muscular, strong women that he could never dominate.

But I don’t want to be good enough for him, I just really want to look the way I feel inside: fragile, sensitive, afraid of everything, empty and at the same time full of pain.