No matter how hard I try, I can’t connect with other people

Everyone, all the people I’ve become “friends” with, are they really my friends? or just acquaintences I decided to make because they’re the safest bet? Those that won’t hurt me? And are the people I label as “acquaintances” mere strangers? Then what are those that I label as strangers? Are they enemies? I don’t know.

I want to connect with people, i really do, i want to be friend with someone, i want someone to love me, i want someone to love too (platonically)

but every time i finally find the courage to open up, i suddenly hit a wall, and it’s not a wall they put up, just, a wall between us, and i can’t get through it. Then i realize, it was a wall i put up all along. But I can’t get past it. Why? I’m trying so hard, I want to open up, why can’t I get through?

I try so hard but it keeps preventing me from getting any closer. As if it’s warning me, telling me that if I get any closer, if I get through, or worse, let them get through, I’ll get hurt, really bad.

Is this an unconscious self-defense mechanism? Was I really hurt that badly in the past? To the point that I can’t fully trust the people I want to trust?

Or is it just, my brain identifying a pattern? And making preventive measures to make sure I don’t go through something terrible again to protect myself?

I don’t want this. Why can’t I live freely? Why can’t I trust freely? Why? Why?

And somehow, despite all the questions I’ve asked, it seems I already know the answer.