I hate my family. Of all of them I may be like two or three and they’re so far away that I don’t have to deal with them face-to-face. After being subjected to raising other peoples children, becoming a caretaker to two elderly people and my own mother who is blind and cannot walk, I find that I don’t like anyone that I am related to. I lay awake at night and imagine what would happen if I just walked away and never came back and I delight in the thought and then the full knowledge of the fact that this family that I take care of would implode without me.
And what’s worse is that the kindness, the grace, and the patients that I once had is so thin that I find myself wondering if she fell and I pretended not to hear her for an hour would that make me a bad person? And I’m horrified over the fact that I feel this way and I have no one to rely on because both of my brothers are completely and utterly useless. The brother that lives here helps take care of my mother, but that is the extent of the help he provides. I have clothing that has holes in them. Everything I own has and shows wear and tear and the years that I have had them and I cannot afford to even buy myself a pair of underwear because everything that I get goes to buying food and providing for the people of this house meanwhile my brother who provides maybe 35% of help can’t be bothered to buy groceries and when he does it is the bare basics of milk bread cheese and ham. I have just had to throw away food that I prepared for my mother that she can eat that she refused to eat, I went hungry tonight because all I have. All I have is $20 in my bank account and a car that will not drive and I live too far away to walk to the grocery store that closes in an hour. I cannot even order the cheapest thing that I can think of to eat. I had to make her what she wanted otherwise she would not eat and there’s no food until tomorrow when I have to beg my younger brother to actually provide, so I have to go hungry tonight. I hate them so much that I have found myself constantly asking God to forgive me and I have to ask for patience. Truth is that I think I’m going crazy, I don’t know what it’s like to be around other people my age I have no help and I’m with people who abuse me verbally and mentally and emotionally who are manipulative and hurtful and just use and use and use. And these people are supposed to be my family. Truth is I hate them so much.