The only thing that matters to me is whether I get out of this with minimal damage.
If I do, then I can start over and keep working on the progress I made in the new year. I will continue
developing discipline, empathy, kindness, and detachment from my desires. If I dont
make it out with minimal damage, I just self destruct and take it out nonviolently on everyone who
decided to hold me accountable. I never claimed to be good. I never claimed to be selfless.
I never claimed to be brave. I never claimed to be decent. Or responsible. Or mature. Or
sane. Either I get the happy or neutral ending to this chapter or im just hitting the reset button, everyone who loves me be damned, it’s very simple.
I never want to see her again. She knows too much. She could have stopped this before it ever started.
I am not a bad person. I just want to be left alone, and if you dont leave me alone, I’m gonna traumatise innocent
people I love very much, who wont survive without me, just to make sure I get away with it. Ill ruin her reputation and blame her for my suicide out of spite.
Im the main character, so if you f*** with my peace of mind after finally starting to get my s*** together, I quit. Everyone can get fucked. I have already accepted
my death and feel no guilt for those I’ll leave behind or for my poor sportsmanship. I pull the plug on children’s video games and throw s*** when I lose. I have the prefrontal cortex of a teenage boy.
If I end up killing myself, no one can blame me, I rationalise it by blaming her for it all. If she had just let it go and left me alone, or merely just corrected me
at some point, everything would have been fine. If all I have to do is community service and she gets a lifetime no contact, thats fine. 1000 dollar fine? Thats a fine. But If you try to cage me, I will excercise my right to jump to my death
and leave everyone else to deal with the fallout because I’m that damn selfish and cowardly. I know what I am. So its either the beginning of the rest of my life, or the end of my life, and either way, it’s gonna be better than the last 10 years.
Im invincible. I either win or i die and get to forfeit all earthly responsibility. win/win. I come first. I dont care how much I love you or want you, I aint serving a single
night in prison for your a**. Im too handsome and talented and my d*** is too dynamite. No matter how this goes, my path is clear. There is no doubt, hesitance, or fear. This situation may be out of my control, but my next step is not. Ive never been more sure of anything in my life. It is in god’s hands now.