4 years
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I’m obsessed with physical appearace because i know how ugly I truly am on the inside, in the dark, when no one is watching. And I delude myself into thinking I’m some deep intellectual romantic philosopher. Now that’s ugly. That’s why I’m not scared anymore. I’m honestly just a waste of taxpayer dollars, either way. Bullets are cheap. Turn me into wormfood, blue boys. Yall love shooting mentally ill men, don’t You? I ain’t gonna beg for my life. I’ll spit my blood in your face and tell you to finish what I started, p****. This ain’t a fairy tale. There ain’t no lesson to be learned. Life is just s*** and people are shut and I’m s*** and f*** you all I would’ve at least liked to get my d*** wet and maybe fallen in love again once before I died. Much worse men than me have had that much. But that’s the problem With focusing on what you don’t have. You lose sight of not only how to get what you want, but you also lose sight of what you have, and what you have really have to lose. We human beings are nothing without connection. And I have none left. None that will last. I’d rather go out now than see how much worse it gets. Goodbye everyone. Don’t pretend I wasn’t an a****** when I’m dead, you know I was. I don’t get a pass for being a coward and running away from my problems and blaming other people for my problems while convincing myself I was the hero prptagonist in a f****** fantasy novel my whole life. Like no bro. You’re that creepy Stoner who does nothing but play video games, jerk it, and talks to himself all day because he’s made sure that everyone who ever gave a f*** about him that wasn’t blood related learned there f****** lesson and never trusted him again. He’s hyperfocuded on some poor girl who he barely knows who he hasn’t talked to in 7 years because he’s so desperate for human connection that he just keeps coming back to the girl he cared about, the last time he felt human. Before he lost himself. It was naive to think after all of the mistakes and s***** things he had done, he would just be able to March forward and conquer the world like a badass. It’s kinda hard to stand backup when you shot yourself in the foot. I am human trash and I have no redeemable qualities. I am going to kill myself in the next couple of months. I do not want attention. I don’t want you to save me. Just let me die. Thanks. Goodbye.

New Confession

Mother decided I wasn’t keeping my birdie clean. She had a talk with me, a lecture. She made me take my pants down and she examined my birdie. Then she sent my little sisters to get supplies. My younger sisters came back with a bar of soap, a bucket of water, the wash basin which is like a pan, a wash cloth, a towel, nail brush, cup, paper towels and Ivory liquid dish detergent.

Mother made me take off all my clothes and lather up my birdie and balls with the bar soap while the family all watched. She made me rub it good and it stood up erect and hard. Then she grabbed a hold of my birdie and lathered it up. She made me bend over and my little sisters rubbed the soap over my rec tal opening and soaped it up good. I was standing in the empty wash basin and she told my sisters to rinse off my opening. They dipped the cup in the bucket of water and drizzled the water over my hole to rinse off the soap. The water ran down over the backside of my balls and dripped into the basin I was standing in.

Then I was ordered to stand up and rinse off my birdie and the front of my balls. My sisters poured more water over my bird and balls until the soap was gone. My bird was throbbing hard. Mother stepped over to me and grabbed my erect bird and examined it and then she bent me over and ran a finger up and down in my rec tal opening. Then she had each of my little Sisters run a finger along my rec tal opening. Mother said that my foreskin should be washed with the liquid Ivory soap. She pulled my foreskin all the way back and squirted the liquid Ivory dish detergent on my erect shaft. She rubbed it all over my shaft and my balls and told me to bend over again.

My sisters squirted the Ivory soap on my rec tal opening and rubbed it in. Then I was rinsed again by my sisters. I stood up and they poured a cup of water over my wobbling bird and the water ran down over my balls. Mother handed the nail brush to my sisters. She told them to give my bird a good scrubbing. They scrubbed my shaft, balls and bent me over to scrub my opening. Then they rinsed everything again.

Mother told the girls to inspect it and see if it was clean. They examined my bird, balls and opening as they dried them. Then I was told to go stand in the center of the room until my bird went soft. Mother said I couldn’t be sent to bed with it that hard because I couldn’t be trusted. She said it should be put in a bird cage at night so I didn’t abuse it. Mother said I should be circumcised. She said all boys should be circumcised and she is going to go ahead and get it cut to her preference. He said it would be marked for life with her choice, and that’s as it should be.

I stood there as they all looked at me and my bird was dripping clear liquid and pulsing. Mother handed a paper towel to my sister and said, ‘Wipe that thing.” She wiped off the dripping from my birdie. Mother said I brought this on myself by not washing my bird when I was told to. She said she had enough of my disobedience and it was time for a change beginning with getting me circumcised. She said she was ordering a cane and she was going to start using it daily.

The next day I had to wash my bird again, the same way. Mother invited nurse Julie, a BSN and next door neighbor over to make recommendations on circumcision. Julie has a younger sister, Brenda who is 12 and my classmate, who wants to become a nurse like Julie. Julie brought her along. They watched as I washed my bird and then nurse Julie examined it and discussed circumcision with Mother. Brenda stood at her side absorbing the view of my stiff bird and the details of circumcision, a permanent mark of Mother’s authority.

Nurse Julie suggested a hot soapy enema is the logical extension of my cleaning and would provide a learning opportunity for Brenda and my little Sisters and increase my drive to satisfy Mother’s desires.

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