This is going to be a brain dump.
I feel really lonely. Im 17 and ive got friends but not really. Im the one thats always there, the one that people forget about. The worst thing is that its probably my fault. Im too quiet and dont talk to new people so how can I be surprised that no one likes me. I wanna change things but I dont know how. Ive only got like a year left at this school so maybe I can hold out until then. But how do I know that the futures not gonna be even worse? Whats the point of me living on, telling myself that things will be better, only for things to be exactly the same. Ive been kidding myself for years now and idk how much longer I can make myself believe it.

Sometimes I fantasize about being someone else or just not existing entirely. I feel stressed from my life which makes me feel guilty because my lifes fine compared to so many peoples. I want to be a better version of myself, the version I see in my dreams but I dont know how to get there. I feel like no one likes me and I wonder if thats just my fucked up perception of things or the fact that im just a s***** excuse for a person. Maybe its both

I really just wanna be appreciated by someone or accepted. My whole life Ive never felt like ive really belonged anywhere. Always like im an outsider looking in or an invader in other peoples lives. I guess im still young and things can definitely still change but i guess im just disheartened. When its the same story everytime I kinda just stop hoping or expecting anything different. Like why bother talking to anyone cus noone likes you anyway.

Maybe ill end up being really independent in the future. The type of lone wolf who gets s*** done and alienates everyone. Or maybe ill find my people in the future. Theres so many in the world that I cant be left out of everywhere.

I keep telling myself that Im gonna start pushing myself into places, start being assertive. Maybe thats just not me. Always a bridesmaid never a bride type s***. Idk
I cant help feeling like lifes going to s*** now but i cant bring myself to do anything to stop it. Its like im watching myself from the outside, kinda like im just on autopilot.

I think I might try to just forget about s*** like this though; ill keep it far in the back of my mind. Being realistic has done s*** for me so im gonna start being optimistic and delusional. The delusional people always seem the happiest.
Usually when I feel like this, I make a list of the things that Ive got to look forward to in the future. The only problem is, I dont really have anything going on. I realized about a week ago that i dont really have a life. Yeah i do things outside of school but socially i dont really know anyone and I barely travel more than 30 mins further from my house.
Maybe it will all change with adulthood. I guess thats something that Im looking forward to. The idea also scares the s*** out of me. I think that 16/17 is a terrible age to be but im not confident 18+ will be any better either. I really just want to go back to being 6 again.
I was a happy child though things kinda changed when I moved schools. Maybe it was the fact that I didnt know anyone and looked different from everyone but I think that caused me to become more reserved. Or maybe thats just me. Ig ill never know.
Sometimes i wonder if im just too dramatic. Most people probably feel the way I do and just move on with their lives and succeed. Thats what i want to do, though partly just to prove that I can.
Ive come to realize that ive lived a pretty sheltered life. Being surrounded by smart, motivated people definitely isnt a bad think but it can give you a pretty warped view of things. When everyones aiming for an A, getting one isnt impressive and anything less is a failure. I wouldnt say that Im a perfectionist but I feel as if i need to do well. Maybe thats my way of proving my worth to myself.

I think that I also need to stop caring about what other people think. Its like you cant win. Either youre loud and annoying or youre quiet and weird. Even the nice girls get talked about. The fucked up think is, even the nice girls talk s*** about other people.

I feel like this wild rollercoaster of emotions is just a teenage thing. Like hormones and stuff. Doesnt make it any less s*****, though at least it means that there may be an end in sight.
I think i worry about things too much and other things not enough.
I really just need a sign, something that can tell me to keep going or to remind me about whats so great about life. Its like i see other people happy and smiling and im glad for them but I want that too, at least for a little bit.
Ive been typing for a while and im 90 percent sure that none of this makes any sense and its probably for the best. If anyone happened to make it this far, well done and if you can relate to any of this then i send my love because its hard feeling alone.