A continuation on my previously posted “I don’t allow myself to be happy”. I realized I feel a lot better after writing out my words and especially better reading it over to myself a handful of times.

My feelings are very valid it just s**** when intrusive thoughts enter my head and make me feel unworthy.

The end of this coming April will be 1 year before my family and I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast of the US. Honestly, thank God we did.

I lived in the weirdest town with my family where reputation mattered. How you looked, how you dressed, who you knew, where you went to church or school, what you owned or what your family owned. It was disgusting. I am a closeted pan non-binary person, and you can see what that sort of environment did to my mental health.

Skipping back a few years, before the year we moved. My mother found messages on my phone and proof that I found girls attractive. I was a senior, a week from graduation, terrified. This wasn’t the first time my mother cried over the topic of homosexuality with me, and it was something she didn’t know how to handle. I thank God to this day that I wasn’t sent to conversion therapy, as she understood I truly thought something was wrong with me. (News flash, there isn’t.) I was, however, sent out of the country to live with relatives for around three months.

Three months turned into four.
Four months into six.

I honestly don’t think my parents realized that no one, not even my uncle who was a huge member of a giant mega church ever actually talked to me about “being gay”. I don’t know who knows or who knew, but I do know that online communities were my saving grace.

There was a girl, she’s still a very good friend of mine, who helped me deal with so much. Self doubt, body positivity, s******** and encouragement with my hobbies and truly made me feel like a human again. I still had my struggles, and had much to overcome in the future, but I was healing slowly.

I also had a different uncle who honesty just missed spending time with his own kids he sort of “adopted” me. We would go out to the movies and see Marvel or action, listen to classic rock and go out to eat with my aunt. He was my saving grace, he has no idea how much of my life I owe to him and his kindness.

This was also a time where I focused on my health and started going to the gym. I had always felt weird about my body but I realized that exercise and hanging a routine just helped me as a person. Everything sort of felt better, even though I knew that I couldn’t be there forever.

At first I was afraid to go home, I truly didn’t know what to expect heading home around the holidays. I didn’t know if my family would treat me differently and I didn’t know what they expected from me. But I was so homesick, I didn’t want to be away around Christmas. I felt if they encouraged me to stay away over the holidays that they truly couldn’t bear to see me. But after a sob filled phone call to my mom she made the preparations to not extend my stay and let me come home. A week before my dad was planning to come and fly back with me into the US, I was told he had developed skin cancer. (And no, I promise this won’t turn into a sob-fest. I can tell you right now he is fine, he had small surgeries and continues to take better care of his health. But it was another added little cherry onto the already tipping whip cream pile on my sad melting sundae.)

I go home, and this is where things got a bit … boring. I started working for my parents full time, working 38+ hour weeks. I didn’t know how to drive, I didn’t have anyone except one decent friend who I rarely saw, and I would just be home when I wasn’t at work. My only outlet was my online community, and eventually I was introduced into a gaming community that really changed everything. I was now surrounded by good and supportive lgbtq+ folks and felt so much better and I slowly grew in my identity. The person who helped start the online gaming group eventually started spending more time with me; messaging me online, playing other games together, chatting about life and being one of the nicest people I knew at the time. We both ended up confessing our attraction to one another, we were so giddy and honestly surprised that we both returned our feelings. It was great and we decided no titles, as we were long distance and never really met before. A few months go by and lovely times together and simply a happy time for me. They even helped me realize I was non-binary, I’m very thankful for that.

My family got to the point where we recognized how garbage our area was and decided it was time to move. Things were working in our favor, selling businesses and our house came with so much ease vs various tries in the past. I was about half a year away from the move, realizing that I would be living in a new state. A state that was only 7 hours away where my crush lived. I was so excited, I couldn’t believe my luck. I truly thought once I moved I would run away to be with them. How could my life get any better? Yet, suddenly, everything just… stopped.

I get a message from them saying they can’t do it anymore, that it’s not my fault and they just can’t do our friendship-relationship courting anymore. They disappear, start canceling game nights, stop messaging friends, they just disappeared. At the time a few people asked me to check on them, not knowing about the relationship or that there was a “breakup”. When I checked on them their excuses were garbage, put of respect for them I won’t get into details. But I was so hurt and confused. I was … lost. All of my dreams just faded from my hands, I was shocked and went into a season of depression. I only had so many people in my life to share what happened with which only made matters worse for my mental health.

Time went by, I kept working and working until the month we finally moved came. We drove across the US for a few weeks and after dealing with a handful of issues we finally made it. A new environment, a new home, a new life. I have no idea where I’d be if I never left.

New life also meant new church, and I was told right from the get go by a family friend that the church we were planning to attend had no one my age (21 at the time). Only married couples, elderly couples and widows and their elementary school aged children or grandchildren. I was a bit disheartened, I was truly hoping for friends. My mom was praying for me to find friends, my grandmother, prayer groups, other relatives and people I didn’t even know were praying for me to find friends. Loneliness was truly my worst enemy, and it is to this day.

Next thing I know, the wife of our family friend reminds him there is one girl who is exactly my age. Bada-bing bada-boom, we are suddenly invited with their family to meet and have dinner with them. I meet this girl and I had no idea my life was going to change for the better. I hang out with her a few times, and at her sibling’s birthday party she asks me if I want to meet her friends. Excited and nervous, I accept the offer.

The day comes, and that was the start of an amazing journey. I met the most wonderful people of my entire life. From having 0 friends right up to 3 was amazing. We all get along so easily and have the greatest time together. I decided the day after meeting them to be honest and let the girl from church know I’m non-binary, as I felt safe to say anything. And it turns out 2/3 are queer and that girl I met was an ally. I couldn’t believe my luck. About a week later I was invited to go camping with them later in the summer and then a big 4 day concert event with two of them later on and a bunch of other stuff in between. The laughs, the tears, the memories and the joy we have all shared. I was finally happy, I am finally happy. I hope this never gets taken away from me.

And as noted in my part 1 of this little flood of details, one of those friends is my current crush. A whole other story but I have realized a big thing.

I recognize that I let myself put pain and sadness at the wheel of my life. I make it out to be that the happy moments of my life are just seconds of time vs the main parts of my normal life. I often think to myself “when will this joy escape from me too? How close can I get to someone before I burn myself?” But in reality, I don’t have that control. I can’t control other people or what my life will bring. Life is mysterious and God works in ways that surly could never be comprehended by anyone here on Earth. I only hope that as I have come to acknowledge these things that I don’t allow sadness to rule my world. It will always be a part of my past and my present and my future, but it does not have my permission to hold me back from my joy.

So screw you, depression! I can see you now and you don’t get to hold me back. You may try to make me fall, and maybe it will try to hurt me but I know I have so much more life left in me that surly I will find my true happiness in myself and those that do love me.

I deserve to be happy!!