TW⚠️SA ⚠️

im scared to have s** with my boyfriend now. me and him started dating close to a month ago, and we’ve been having s** more often. i’ve been seeing him every day for the past week or so. he was always respectful and would always stop when i asked him to without question. but yesterday i was at his house , we were alone in his basement with all the lights turned off. it was around 6:00 and my mom was picking me up from his house at 6:30 on the d**. we were spooning and then he started making out with me and after a few minutes of that he said he wanted to make love to me. so i took all my clothes off and he did too. i said that he could be dominant and so he did that and held my hands above my head. i was enjoying it until my mom started calling me. i talked to her on the phone and he was still trying to penetrate me, but i pushed him away so i could talk to my mom normally. she told me she would be there in 3-4 minutes. i hung up and he kept going, then my mom called a few minutes later saying she was at the door. i hung up again and he continued. i told him that we had to stop, i said repeatedly “we have to stop now” “my moms here” “you need to get off” and “can we stop now” he didn’t listen to me or say anything, he just kept going. i tried pushing him off but he’s very strong so i didn’t bother trying any longer. my mom called for the third time and he told me to tell her i was in the bathroom to stall time, which i did. i hung up and told him that we needed to hurry up and stop. i was scared to outright tell him to stop in fear of sounding mean so i tried to act happy and ease into it so he could cooperate with me better. i laughed and asked him what he was doing and he said he was about to finish. so i just gave up trying to stop him. i let him finish inside me (i have an IUD) and then he immediately got up and rushed me to get my clothes on and leave. i went to the bathroom to pee and had a panic attack. after i left i couldn’t stop thinking about it, i had to stop myself from crying and having a panic attack the entire car ride home. he texted me that he loved me and i didn’t answer because i was sick to my stomach. an hour later i told him i loved him too and then he surprised me with a text saying “im sorry that i kept going” i was with my friend and told him i wasn’t ready to talk about it and he kept insisting that we call ASAP because he wanted to talk about it. 5 hours later i text him saying im ready to talk. he admitted that he should have stopped and he “didn’t know what was going through his mind” and i told him i said the word stop in sentences and he said that i should have been more straight up and told him to just stop because he “can’t take hints” and he “wasn’t taught consent that way” i told him it is intimidating for women to tell a man “STOP” or “NO” just like that but i tried multiple times to get him to stop by saying the word stop in sentences like “we need to stop” etc. he said we should take a break from having s** and i told him i couldn’t trust him with my body anymore. i debated breaking up with him but he promised that we would have conversations about boundaries and a safe word that means stop. i don’t know how to feel about it. he’s being cold and distant over text because he knows that im mad at him. he admits to what he did and i have the screenshots of the texts of him admitting that he should have stopped but he didn’t. my friend that i was with told me that he raped me. i didn’t want to believe that at all, i still don’t. i don’t know what to do. i didn’t outright tell him to stop but i did at the same time. he didn’t listen to me, i feel weak and violated. i don’t know.