5 years
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You kind of know it is inevitable. And you put it off knowing it is going to be rough. Then it has to happen the pressure is too much. You steel yourself for it but you can feel it is going to be a lot of difficult work. Then the worry starts because you realize it is worse than you expected, far larger, far harder. The worry sets in because you realize you have been slow breathing and periodically panting while trying with futility. Worry turns to fear. Fear turns to panic as you realize that no, it is impossible but events are in motion and cannot be stopped and it is beyond your control. You are panting and muttering please no i can’ do this. You whimper as you hit the point of no return and you cry out despite biting your lip and the stretch and sting and burn begins as you feel it happen, your head racing as you think omg i cannot do this and your eyes roll back in your head and you feel yourself stretch impossibly farther than ever before as it happens and you are trying to be still and yet you are squirming and then you gasp as you feel your body adapt and it happens as you try to breathe as you gape impossibly open and the peak stretch happens, more than ever before, and you feel your body will never close again as it continues to leave you, feeling not just that it was a single wide spot but also far longer than you realized and you cannot even breathe and then suddenly it is over and you realize you are still gaped as you slowly pant your way through and recover your senses. And with a warm flush of your face you smile and have a sense of pride in your body that you were able to pass something so impossibly huge. And as you clench the muscles weakly around nothing you are once again amazed at what your body can accomplish. Once you recover you realize how relaxed your entire body is and you have a slight secret smile for a while with the residual self pride that you pooped something so incredibly large and you can’t wait for the next time.

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My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.