I have a confession… A very serious confession that could really change the way everyone sees me from my family to my friends. I’ve had a friend (let’s call him K), and he’s quite chubby. I mean he’s really got some steak on him, you know what I mean? I met him a few years ago and all was well and dandy, but one day I feel on Bliss street and hit my head on one of this f****** poles the dawle thinks solve anything. You know those short black ones? Why the hell are they there? Let me get on the for a minute. Why put some weak-a**, small-a** poles in the middle of the f****** sidewalk where people are trying to do their thing and get to where they need to get if they’re not going to serve any purpose? They don’t stop you from parking because you can’t f****** park on the damn sidewalk. They don’t solve any sort of sidewalk traffic. In fact, the ADD to it. The only thing those stupid poles do is decrease the damn space for you to walk on that damn sidewalk. Like what the f***? What is all up here with the Lebanese government and their whack-a** systems and useless creations? Alright… This is going off track. Let me get back to the real thing. So about K, yeah, I knew him for a while and my friends and I always used to play jokes about him like slapping his stomach so it makes a LOUD-A** noise, or like squeezing is succulent breasts, or like rubbings his thighs or patting his head, you know? S*** like that. Sure, he was pissed, but what did we care, you know? He’s fat and he knew what he was getting himself into when he ate that 16th chocolate bar, know what I’m saying? So yeah, we all like make fun of him and stuff. Anyways, so I hit my head on that damn pole I was talking about earlier and like half the entire AUB population HAPPENED to be at the main gate at that time to see me gloriously fall on my a**. So they all laughed and whatever… Especially this one b****! Give me a minute… What is up with these stupid girls thinking it’s the MIDDLE OF SUMMER when it’s obviously fricken -2 degrees?! I mean how badly do you want us to see your hairy thighs and your flat a**? What the hell is that on you?! A piece of cloth?! Might as well come to university with nothing on! It won’t make a difference! I’ll still get the same b**** and I’ll still wish I could f*** you all night long you skank s***! What the f*** do you have to provoke me like that? Why the f*** do girls get offended if you think of them as pieces of meat or when you look at their a** or t***, but then they go off and SHOVE THEM IN YOUR FACE? What the hell is wrong with you, Natalie? Or whatever the f*** your name is, Olivia or some s***. Don’t flaunt your a** in my face if you don’t want me to stare at it and lick my lips! Anyways, so where was I? Oh, right. So about K. Right, so I fell on the damn pole and everyone laughed and I left and whatever… But it seems like ever since I fell on that pole, I’ve been attracted to guys, and more importantly, to fat guys! I know, right?! WHAT THA FACK?! And yep, you guessed it. I’ve been wanting to ride K like it’s the fourth of July. I just can’t stop thinking of his amazing breasts and his large booty. OH MY GOD, I sweat when I see him. And he’s all like “Hey, man” like it’s all normal and s***. Don’t you see my c*** in my pants you f****** bear?! It’s yearning to be squeezed between your breasts! WHY DON’T YOU HOLD MY C***?! MY THROBBING C***?! Oh my God, this is getting me hard. Let me stop talking about putting my c*** between his t*** so it calms down. Alright… So, K, I’ve just wanted to say that I’ve wanted to do you so bad for so long. F*** all the other guys. F*** S, M, the other M, A, the other A, and H. F*** them all. Let’s just f***, me and you. Let me show you how a fat man should be served. Let me snuggle into your roles of fat every night and suckle on your t** while you dream of some p*** video or some s***. Please, please, K. I love your bo2 chin. You know? It’s like all bo2 and s***. And your beautiful eyebrows. You know when you raise them like a meter off your head when you’re surprised of something? I can’t wait till you do the eyebrow thing when I mount you from behind and give you that sweet loving, K. I really mean it. I don’t care what anyone else has to say. I don’t care that you’re straight or whatever. F*** all those girls. F*** Lea. F*** that b****! I want to ride your a**, you hear me?! Ahhhhh… That’s it, I’m done. Just come to me, K. Just give me a sign that you feel the same way.

Thanks for listening, guys.