I want to kill myself.

My therapist said i was waiting out my youth, that i was wasting my time. What happens if i just want it to pass? I want for the future to come quicker because i think it’ll magically solve all of my problems. And i used to believe that, i know it’s not true or not anymore at least. I’m loosing memories and i almost feel like im floating through it all, like anyone around me has more control over my life then me.

I told my therapist i was forgetful, that i couldn’t concentrate, that i was failing school and feeling understimulated all the time. I said i’ve tried everything to fix this problem of mine, making to-do lists, planing out my days, setting goals, but it all failed. My therapist said that it was great, that i should keep going. I said i didn’t understand what i was doing it for, he said so id feel good.

I don’t feel good.

I asked my therapist what the point was. He said there was no point, it was pointless, that it was for me to feel good. I asked if that it didn’t make me feel good then why was i doing it, he said that it was because i was alive.

I said i didn’t want to be alive. He told me i didn’t make the choice.

My therapist told me i shouldn’t chase death.

Im ready to make the choice.