You had some sort of romantic feelings for me Siren, and they were strong. I highly doubt you still have any, but I know you did. Thats why I went out of my way to be a d*** to you last year. You can’t reject me a second time if I’m a gigantic dickhead who does every mean thing in the book he can think of to keep you far far away from me. That ain’t rejection, that’s just self-preservation. But for some reason you still can’t stay away. We are attracted to each other like magnets. An explosive pull. Like a pirate holding a mermaid on the beach, it just kinda works.

You sure do hate the s*** out of my darkside but you like my lightside A LOTTTTT. You told me every bad thing that ever happened to you because I made you feel so safe and we spent hours and hours bonding together doing pretty much nothing but still having a blast. Do you remember when I held your hand at the hospital to stop you from having a panic attack after the male nurse made you f****** flip s***? Do you remember all the playlists I made you and poems I shared with you? When I’m bad I’m really f****** bad, but when I’m good I could charm the pants off a nun. Whatever remnants of whatever feelings you once had for me are the only reason you’ve turned the other cheek like a saint and avoided f****** me over at every turn this year even when I put my head on the chopping block myself.

That’s why I keep my good side under wraps most of the time. I won’t let you hurt me again. You cant hurt me if I hurt you first. But just know this, it doesn’t get any worse than this. All this b******* dramatic ranting and empty threats and s*** talking that I learned playing xboxlive? Mimicking my father? That’s the extent of my shadow. Have you seen your boyfriend’s darkest qualities? You know he has them. We all do. I am a flawed, horrible creature, but I will never stop trying to be better, and I will never get over you completely. That’s why you need to never come back. I am drawn to you like a junkie to heroin and I want you more than I want life itself. That’s a dangerous level of desire to have for someone you’ve never kissed for more than 5 seconds. Even after losing everything and hitting rock bottom, you continue to inspire me to be better. You have seen the most depraved pits of my soul and yet still you can find it in your heart to find some sort of compassion, understanding, and gentleness to deal with me. My friends though? They want nothing to do with me now that they’ve seen me at my worst. I thought you were a monster for abandoning me, but you were actually the kindest, most forgiving, and most patient of all of my former friends. I know you’ve been here. You’ve been alone in the past just like I am now. You’ve pissed off and chased off friends in the past just like I have. That’s why even though I’m going through so much pain, and anger, and frustration right now at everything that my actions have wrought, I am going to keep trying as hard as I can to not take it out on the one person who seemingly understands me even a tiny bit. I’m sorry I keep f****** up and saying really fucked up horrible s***. You know that it will never escalate beyond words. If I saw you in person I would be too awestruck to do anything but run and hide, like that time in walmart. Yeah, I saw you behind me, and I walked the other direction because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I miss you, but I refuse to intrude on your life any further. I will not stop fighting to overcome my shadow. I want you to know that you have now saved my life twice in the span of one month, and you are serving as my sole source of inspiration to move forward and try to stay positive. Thank you, I definitely didn’t deserve it. I’ll be trying to stop sending you coded messages like I did last week, but hopefully this time I’ll set a new record. My current record is about 3 weeks. I want that 1 month cake dammit. You are a f****** saint. Thank you so much. I havent had meds for like 3 days and I completely regressed and took 3 steps back, but I’m gonna try to take 5 steps forward this time instead of 4. Don’t let any of the stupid s*** I say get to you. It’s all b******* and I think deep down, you f****** know it. Thank you for giving me hope that I can get better. Even if I’m wrong about everything, your past feelings, your intentions, whatever else, you absolutely saved my life twice this month. Thanks for taking pity on such a wretched, ugly, animalistic soul. I will try to do better.