Day 7. Still awake from day 6. My temper and deperession have been getting the better of me today, but I did the dishes and made sure to eat and take my medicine. At least I’m aware of when my dark side rears its head(today it decided to show up at about 2 pm for no discernable reason) and it’s getting easier to resist/control it. A month ago I’d be going off on someone who didn’t deserve it to displace my balled up anger, driving myself into a vicious cycle of stalking and emotional abuse, and instead, I am going to take my medicine, smoke some weed, eat some ice cream, watch some asmr, take a hot bath, and go to sleep early tonight. Now that I have confronted my demons, now that I understand where they come from and why they do what they do, they no longer dominate me. They will never die, but I will no longer let them hold my leash. I think this is a huge step forward for me, but it really doesn’t feel like it right now. It feels like nothing has changed, and that things will never get better. But I wont give up. I will continue to grieve what needs to be grieved, to love what needs to be loved, and to do as much as I can to reduce the amount of pain I introduce to this world. Baby steps. It took time to fall, so it will take time to rise. One day at a time.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Do not forgive me. Not yet. Let me earn it. No more b*******. No more relaxing. No more blame. No more projection. No more anger. No more hatred. No more pettiness. Let me take responsibility for my actions, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts, and my intentions. Let me usher in an era of peace that we both deserve. Whatever happened or happens, the only thing I can control, is me.
I will be a light in the dark once more, I have no choice, or I will die alone of a rage-induced heart attack before the age of 45. That s*** sounds awful so yeah. This is urgent.