I’m becoming better at lying to myself. I think sometimes we have to lie to ourselves in order to keep living. I knows it’s not the best way to handle life mistakes but sometimes it’s the only way to keep moving and forgetting something so horrible or negative you may have done and can’t undo.
I was afraid I was goings to be so depressed after what I did. The day after felt like I was in mourning. Turns out I was in mourning, I was mourning a piece of me that I so recklessly killed all in a matter of a night. A wild,crazy out of character night. I did too much, I said too much all with someone I should have never been left alone with. There is now a scar left in my mind of that night. I can’t ever truly lie it all away. I will always remember it that’s just facts. But I feel better about it than I thought I would and it’s not even a week yet. I guess that’s what shocks me the most how well I’m dealing with it. How much I’m able to take it all apart so I can’t feel it anymore. How I can go about my day like nothing happen even though I know it did. I don’t feel a panic feeling anymore, just a slight “oops I did that” followed by a little laugh that comes from someone else deep inside of me.
I’m scared but also impressed with myself how easy it is for me.
I shouldn’t feel too surprised I have been here before, but it’s been years and never so closed to home. That made the lying and forgetting way easier.
A part of me feels like it’s a survival skill that I learned from a young age from trauma and abuse, which I hate to use as a excuse for anything but it feels right in this situation.
Anyways this is all far from over in some ways but also vary much done in others.
Just going to take it one day at a time.