Ive been waiting to die since my 20s. Not actively seeking death, just don’t care I guess. Ive been in love a few times in my life and always just been “like a brother” I dont know what I did wrong, but when I fell I fell hard! Absolutely enamored with her, heart aching every second away from her. After the last time I nearly killed myself, I couldnt eat and lost weight. I wish I were more socially adept, I trip over my own words. Eventually I met a woman 14 years older than me with 2 kids when I was in my mid 20s. I was never attracted to her physically but I do care about her its just never been that deep love I felt before. We have a kid together as well and weve been together for 14 years and I hate myself for not feeling that kind of devotion. I dread the idea of going the rest of my life never having been with someone I was really attracted to. I know it sounds selfish but I can’t help it. I missed so many years of my life to social anxiety and depression and alcohol and being shy and being in love with women that couldn’t care less about me and now I’m almost 40. Everything hurts, I’m wore out from my job, I feel like there may be some medical issues going on but can’t afford to go to a doctor. I went on antidepressants a few years ago and now I just can’t feel much. I bought a house but instead of excitement all I felt was irritation about having to move. I dont have any energy any more. I can’t and dont want to do any of the things I used to enjoy, I never leave my house except for work. I dont like my job like I used to and I feel useless when I’m there. So much miserable s*** when on when I was a kid and I just never could be a real person since I guess. I am sad that I’ll never have the life I dreamed of. I’ll never feel the kind of love that made life worth living and all I’ll be from now on is a disappointment to my family, the woman who loves me, and my kid. I dont even have any friends anymore. How did I fail so miserably? Whats the point any more? Its all just pain inside and out.