I Asked 3 Men Why They Didn’t Go Down on Me
And I think I made the world a better place
Sarah Stroh
Sarah Stroh
Feb 22 · 6 min read
Photo of author by Austin Fassino

Josh was the first man I ever dated who was passionate about putting his mouth on my v*****. He was also the first boyfriend with whom I regularly orgasmed. And it wasn’t a coincidence.

For a while, oral s** was the only way I could get off with a man. So it was usually one of the courses on our menu of love-making.

But then Josh and I split, and I started to have s** with other men, hoping they would do the same. And many did without my prompting.

But there were others that didn’t get the memo, which I tried to send telepathically. They were great guys in every other way, but after days of shacking up, they never went down on me.

I wanted to know why. What made some guys want to go downtown and others not? Was it them, me, or just the situation? Soon, I realized there was only one way to find out.

I met Sethi at a restaurant in the beachside state of Goa. And as soon as I laid eyes on his tall muscley stature and thick flowing black hair, I knew I wanted him.

Two days later, we ran into each other at a club and made out on the dance floor.

He suggested we hang out the next day and picked me up in his rental car to drive down the coast. I ended up staying with him for a few nights, during which we went to dinner, held hands, and had quite a lot of s**. It was exciting, pleasurable. But he never went down on me, and I wanted to know why.

So on the last morning we were together, before he was supposed to fly back home, we sat on the porch as he rolled a spliff. And I thought, Why not just ask him?

But I worried, what would he think about me? Would it be it too forward? This wasn’t something I’d ever asked a boyfriend, much less someone I’d only spent a few days with.

But when I thought about it more, I realized there would be nothing to lose. He was about to leave, so it wasn’t as if my asking would make him feel pressured into doing something he didn’t want to do. I would simply get an answer to a question that was bugging me.

So after some back and forth, I worked up the courage to say: “Can I ask you something?”

He looked up at me and put his half-rolled doobie down on the glass table.

“What’s up?” he said.

There wasn’t going to be any easy way to do this, so as my face started to turn red, I just spit it out: “I’m just curious, do you ever go down on women?”

His Adam’s apple shifted, and after a few moments he said, “No…not really.” He looked down and then back up at me as if he was a child caught doing something wrong. “It’s just never something I’ve really done,” he added.

I started to feel guilty for putting him on the spot. “Anyway, I didn’t mean — ”

“No,” he said and put his hand on my thigh, his eyes locked on mine. “I want you to ask me more questions.”

I let out a smile, redeemed, and kissed him on the lips. In that moment, I felt extremely close to him, like we’d broken one of many invisible barriers between us. We made out a little more, he smoked his spliff, and went on his way.

After that conversation, I knew I’d made the right choice by asking him, if only simply because it brought us closer. Furthermore, his answer taught me something, which I’ll get to.

The other two responses I got were slightly different but had similar actionable takeaways.

I met Pat in a small mountain village in Chile. We were both traveling by ourselves through the country and hit it off right away.

We explored many s** positions together including me giving him head a few times.

Quick note: No one is required to give head just because you gave it to them. It doesn’t matter if your partner went down on you a million times before. And you should never give head because you want it back. The only reason you should do it is that you want to. Period.

Still, emboldened my conversation with Sethi a few months prior, I wanted to know what Pat’s relationship with c********** was.

So one day in the room we’d rented together, laying underneath a mosquito net, we began to talk about our s** lives. And I told him I usually o***** with oral s**.

“I actually haven’t done it before,” he said. “Can you teach me?”

My answer: hell yes.

The third time I had this conversation was in Berlin. Scott and I had s** a few times but I received no head thus far.

So one day, after we had s** and were laying in bed, I asked him what he likes most, whether I could do anything differently.

“I just like it when you’re turned on,” he said.

“Ok,” I blushed.

“What about you?” he replied. “Is there something you like?

“Well, I like oral s**,” I said. “Is that something you do?”

“Funny story, actually. My second to last girlfriend told me she didn’t like it, so I never did it with her. And with my last girlfriend, I didn’t do it either. And then she actually told me at the end of our relationship, when we were breaking up, that I didn’t do it enough. I was like, thanks for telling me now. But to answer your question, yes, it’s something I would definitely do.”

The takeaway from each of these stories is the same.

Know what you like.

Communicate it.
Communicate.

Don’t assume your partner is consciously avoiding c********** because you smell bad or because they don’t like it. Usually, there’s more to it than that.

People have all kinds of insecurities and receive all kinds of bizarre messages about what’s normal in the bedroom. You just have to be confident that what you like is also normal (and trust me, it is). And don’t be afraid to tell them. Otherwise, they will be clueless.

And if they are not into what you propose, whether it’s c**********, a*** s**, or anything else, prepare to accept that too, and try to find other ways to satisfy each other.

But you can’t know until you ask.
Own your pleasure.

Funnily enough, although I still really enjoy c**********, these days, I prefer manual stimulation with my partner kissing me, face to face, while we talk dirty to each other.

People change, relationships change, what’s exciting changes. We can only try to be self-aware enough to know when these changes occur.

It’s on you to own your s***** excitement and pleasure and communicate what turns you on and gets you off. It’s the only way to make s** better for both of you.
Make the world a little sexier.

Whenever I’m afraid to have this talk with a man, I think back to Sethi. I think about how appreciative he seemed that I brought it up.

I think about how he might go into his new relationships a little more open to oral s** because of our talk. Maybe he’ll ask the next woman if she wants it. Maybe he’ll do it on his own avail. All because of those few moments on the porch with me.

I like to think that by having this conversation, I didn’t just feel closer to him in that moment, and freed of my curiosity, but in my own little way, I made the world a better, more pleasurable place for us all.

So talk about s** with your partner, today. Not just for you, but for the sake of better s** for the human race.
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