Last time I’m going to try to get my feelings straight about this.

Dear -,

I felt like we were closer than this. It’s hard to dissect and express how I’m feeling. I feel stupid, like you were all along aware of something I wasn’t. I feel embarrassed because I share so much with you and I feel like you reciprocate maybe 50%. I feel like I can’t trust you because you so effortlessly lie to me. I’m mad that you kept talking in circles and trying to confuse me instead of just telling the truth. It makes me trust you even less. Yeah, you are more than welcome to keep secrets but this was so stupid and so shocking. It makes me question how you look at me, how you look at them in general. You bald-faced lied just the other day when talking about this. How am I ever to trust a word out of your mouth? If you feel like a fraud it may be because you act like one so often, even with someone you claim to trust and be close to. Instead of searching for sad things why don’t you talk to me? Am I always going to be fighting this? Look, I’m trapped in a situation I never wanted and never planned to be in, with people constantly hounding me. I thought the one thing I had was an open dialogue with you, that you could trust me and I could trust you. I have never felt so lonely as I do now. You claim to not get it, but I know you do. You are just going to play dumb, so why don’t I do it too? I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of living in this isolating, horrible nightmare of a place. I’m tired of fighting just to know you. Maybe you regret telling me at all. You shouldn’t. But understand that in so doing, if you don’t tell me everything else like it, I’m only going to wonder and obsess about what else I don’t know. I’m a very damaged person and you know that. Trust doesn’t come easy, but you and you know who else doesn’t value my confidence in either of you. It’s like an irritation, I see it on your face when I talk too much..like “there you go again, blah blah blah, I’ve heard this story before.” It makes me realize I was talking to fill that desperate, loud as f*** silence. To engender some sort of feeling of closeness that was probably never there in the first place. Holy hell was it silent yesterday without me boring you with my feelings and blah blah blahs. Is that what you want? A relationship that mirrors what everyone else’s in this hellhole is like? I can do that. You don’t seem to realize I never tell anyone but you and him all of these things. And neither of you cares, so point blank I’m going to stop. I’m going to let both of YOU fill the silence for once. If we grow apart then we were never actually close to begin with.