5 Reasons You’re Not Reaching O***** — and What to Do About It
Experts weigh in on why some women are having difficulty doing it
Nina Bahadur
Nina Bahadur
Aug 13, 2020·6 min read

This article is part of The Pleasure Principle, ZORA’s ultimate guide to solo s**, self-pleasure, and self-love. Take our S** Survey to share your experiences.

First things first: You are not alone, and you’re not broken.

If you’re one of the many women who aren’t able to reach an o***** through m*********** or s***** i**********, it can feel like you must be doing something wrong or, worse, that something is wrong with you. But there may be a solution in your search for s***** satisfaction.

“For many women and nonbinary individuals, reaching o***** can be a struggle,” says Zita Nickeson, a mental health counselor in Spokane, Washington, who is pursuing a doctorate in the psychology of human s********. “This may be due to a variety of reasons; however, most often, it is due to variables that can pull the individual out of their arousal cycle.”

While o***** isn’t necessarily the be-all and end-all of every s***** encounter, it can be frustrating when you don’t understand why your body isn’t reacting a certain way. And learning to manage s***** pain can help increase our pleasure and improve our self-image. If you’re curious about what could be going on, here are five things that might make it difficult to reach an o***** and what experts say might be able to help.

Enjoy the journey of s***** exploration as opposed to getting hung up on one specific outcome.

Pain down there

In some cases, m*********** and s** can be physically painful, taking o***** completely off the table. The technical term for painful s** is dyspareunia, and Harvard Medical School says it can happen to folks at any age but is a little more common after menopause.

S***** pain can vary in severity, and the physical sites of this pain can include the v****, v*****, or pelvis. There are so many potential causes for this type of pain, ranging from physical problems like scarring or growths to estrogen loss, skin conditions, and psychological factors. If you do experience pain during s**, experts say it’s always a good idea to get it checked out if you have access to health care.

If penetration itself is particularly painful, you might have a condition called vaginismus. According to the Cleveland Clinic, vaginismus is “a spasm or contraction of the muscles around the v*****,” and experts don’t know exactly what causes it. The good news is that treatment options like vaginal dilator therapy, Kegel exercises, and counseling can improve or even eliminate the condition for plenty of folks.
Pelvic floor issues

“The pelvic floor muscles can contribute [to a lack of o*****] as well,” says Rachel Gelman, PT, DPT, a clinician who specializes in pelvic health. “These muscles need to move for an o***** to occur, so if they lack range of motion or are dysfunctional in some way, it can contribute to difficulty with o*****.”

Gelman says many factors can contribute to pelvic floor dysfunction, including stress, too much sitting, overexertion, chronic infections like recurring urinary tract infections, medical conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome or fibroids, and past procedures like a hysterectomy or abdominal surgery.

“Most people don’t necessarily need to strengthen their pelvic floor,” Gelman says. “In fact, the majority of people need to work on relaxing the pelvic floor muscles and/or learn how to have better pelvic floor coordination.”

If this sounds like you, Gelman recommends looking into pelvic floor therapy, a unique form of physical therapy that specializes in relaxing muscles and helping patients reconnect with their bodies.

“Pressure is the antithesis of pleasure, and when you’re worried about how your body is responding, you’re unlikely to relax into a state conducive to o*****.”

The pressure of performing

“Pressure is the antithesis of pleasure, and when you’re worried about how you look, how long you’re lasting or taking, what your partner is thinking, or how your body is responding, it’s unlikely to relax into a state conducive to o*****,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, the resident sexologist for Astroglide. “Talking to your partner about your needs and ways in which they can support you to reduce performance pressure may also help.”

O’Reilly also recommends addressing any cultural norms or hangups you might have around s**. “If you feel pressure to experience s** in a specific way because of stereotypes related to your age, gender identity, s***** orientation, race, or other element of your identity, this can impede pleasure and o*****,” she says. “Addressing these messages, the sources, and their outcomes can help to make s** more enjoyable — and take the focus off of o***** as the ultimate goal.”
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S***** trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder

Survivors of s***** assault and s***** abuse may be experiencing trauma that can even affect their solo s***** encounters. “Untreated trauma symptoms can certainly impact a person’s ability to experience arousal and/or o*****,” Nickeson says. “Certain acts may trigger a person to experience a ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ state physiologically, which will impact arousal and o*****. Additionally, if the person is experiencing active post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms, certain s***** acts or just the idea of being s***** may increase those symptoms.”

Nickeson recommends finding a therapist who is “qualified and well trained in providing trauma treatment within a valid and reliable trauma treatment modality.” In her own practice, she says, “I work with them on mindfulness around their stress response while also encouraging them to gain an understanding of their pleasure points, arousal response cycle, and their ideal s***** self. I spend time working with clients to minimize any guilt and/or shame related to their previous trauma and their current s********.”
Postpartum side effects

A traumatic birth experience can definitely affect your s** life. Some people experience births that are physically traumatic while others are psychologically scarred from fear around birth, particularly given that Black folks are three to four times more likely to die from pregnancy or birth than White ones. Black parents are more likely to experience complications, too. Nickeson says that trauma can trigger all sorts of physiological responses and again recommends getting some professional help if that’s possible for you.

Be kind to yourself. Self-pleasure and self-love go hand-in-hand.

“Going to therapy can really help to address past trauma and how it impacts an individual’s s******** and relationships with partners,” says Alexis Clarke, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Redefining Relationships, Acceptance, Empowerment, & Love, LLC. “It may be helpful to seek out a psychologist that specializes in s** therapy to not only address the trauma but help the client explore what pleasure means to them and how to achieve it.”

If you’re not familiar with therapy or you’re anxious about opening up about your intimate life, Clarke says it can be helpful to rehearse what you want to say ahead of time — and know that you’re in charge of whatever level of detail you’d like to provide.

If therapy is off the table, O’Reilly recommends that you avoid putting pressure on yourself: “Enjoy the journey of s***** exploration as opposed to getting hung up on one specific outcome.”

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Self-pleasure and self-love go hand-in-hand. The more we accept our bodies as whole and complete and the more curious we are about how our bodies work, the closer we get to reaching our pleasure goals.
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